Even though "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" has been off the air for some time, the show picked up Sunday night with its season 4 premiere exactly where it left of in the fall of 2011. With...
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The final part of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion aired on Sunday night, and in closing off the season we ended up with a number of little fights all over some various events that unfolded over the...
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TV Talk for Sunday, April 22nd 2012Once Upon A Time (ABC, 8pm) - S1, Ep19: "The Return" - So we may not have explicit confirmation on who August (Eion Bailey) is (we'll get that in the aptly titled episode, "The Stranger," I think because per Jane Espenson "We may not get the answer this Sunday, but we will on a Sunday!"), but I think the clues were all there tonight. Wait
Stannis Baratheon's mysterious advisor capped off the latest episode with one of the series' most shocking and bizarre scenes to date.
Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 3, Episode 21 of CBS's "The Good Wife," entitled "The Penalty Box."
Ladies and gentlemen, "The Good Wife's" "The Penalty Box" was not the strongest episode, but it will forever be remembered. Boring stuff then the meaty goodness that was Kalinda/Lana, the return of Cary and Kalinda/Alicia.
The main case of the episode: Judge Cuesta enlists Lockhart/Gardner to defend him when he's put in the penalty box for a case from his prosecutor days. This A plot really should have been B or C. Sure it gave audiences the chance to look at the methods of defense attorneys from a different light than "The Good Wife" normally allows, but the clunkiness hindered the episode.
"Welcome back to the dark side." Robert and Michelle King should write a guide book for other TV writers in how to develop relationships. The evolution of Cary and Alicia as rivals to friends to rivals again and back to colleagues/friends has been one of the joys of "The Good Wife." From the scarf petting to the scene from "The Penalty Box" at the bar, it's truly something to witness. Cary is back at Lockhart/Gardner and now that he's no longer competing with Alicia, I can't wait to see how they interact in Season 4. Even with the promise of a clean slate between Will and Cary, something tells me it's not going to be smooth sailing for Cary returning to the halls of Lockhart/Gardner.
"Your FBI friend is going to get you killed." Lana has put Kalinda in Lemond Bishop's crosshairs. Any "Good Wife" fan knows that is a terrible thing. Lana's meddling -- I mean, investigation -- really scared Kalinda. In an effort to put a halt to it and basically save her life, Kalinda seeks out Lana. Then, in true Kalinda fashion, she turns on the sex. Here's "The Good Wife," pushing networks standards, again. Gotta love that. In the midst of all the sexy times, something clicks with Kalinda. At first, I thought it was her realizing she was using sex to get what she wants, the thing that broke her and Alicia up. However, could it be that she actually cares for Lana? After all, the vulnerability started to show after Lana said she had been after Kalinda for two years.
"Could you please keep your pants zipped?" Diane Lockhart is all sorts of wonderful. Forget the line of home furnishings, "The Good Wife" should release a line of Diane's broaches. Even when Diane is just hanging in the background, Christine Baranski remains fierce.
Kalinda and Alicia, bar buddies again. It was the moment we (I mean, from what I read on Twitter, I know I'm not the only one) have been waiting for. Alicia tricked us into thinking she was going to ice Kalinda and then BOOM, she turned that chair. I'm going to assume they did a tequila shot and nothing anybody can say in the comments will sway me otherwise ... unless you are Robert or Michelle King.
Gasp count: Three. There was also some flailing when Alicia turned that chair around. And yelling.
What did you think of the episode? Who would you take on a deserted island? Happy to have Cary back?
"The Good Wife" airs Sundays, 9 p.m. ET on CBS.
On Sunday night's new episode of "The Celebrity Apprentice," the task was all about designing a fragrance display, and what ended up happening was as surprising as Project Manager Aubrey O'Day decided to use...
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Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 4, Episode 1 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."
"... We can't go there 'cause that's fourth season, remember?" Teresa spat out those words during the reunion show last year when asked if the cast was still "like family."
Now readers, I just met you (and this is crazy) but it seems like someone grated a whole lot of foreshadowing over the spaghetti. Let's find out what led the "Housewives" to undo the ties that bind and attempt to choke Teresa with them, shall we?
Apparently, everything unraveled four months before the September Season 3 reunion. Historians have long referred to that era as B.C.: "Before Cookbook."
Summer has risen over the Garden State. Friendships (and bikinis) are hanging on by a thread. Kathy Wakile and Melissa Gorga's families are enjoying themselves at a poolside bash. Drinks are poured, hookah is smoked, and children are thrown violently in the pool. Juicy breasts are roasting ... some of which were actually on the BBQ.
Speaking of cooking, Kathy's husband Richie (a.k.a. the "Lebanese Jeff Goldblum") decides to help out by stirring the pot. Was the ribs recipe "from Teresa's new cookbook," he wonders? Everyone laughs and god-blesses her success, but Melissa isn't amused. She heard rumors of vitriol tucked between veal recipes, but she tried to do what most people who saw it in a book store would: Ignore it.
Her husband, Joe, really wants to get a look, but since he's basically a de-evolved Goomba, he doesn't understand all those squiggly things on the page. So, some other semi-literate family member takes a stab.
"I see my brother, Joe Gorga, his wife Melissa, my niece Antonia and nephews Gino and Joey several times a week. I wish my baby sister-in-law didn't copy everything I do down to the shoes I wear and the chairs on my front porch. But you know what they say, you can't pick your family."
If the pen is truly mightier than the sword, it just sliced Joe's heart out. But he doesn't think the harsh words are enough to "rehatch" old problems. Jeff Goldblum quickly becomes my personal favorite when he suggests they "burn that bitch on a stake!" (One assumes that recipe is not in her book.) What's tan and white and read all over? A new, post-fame version of Teresa that her friends and family are starting not to recognize. Soon, she'll be a total stranger.
Meanwhile, Caroline "Life Is Short I Have No Room for Drama" Manzo has rearranged her schedule to fit drama in. It seems her family has heard about the book, too -- but when they go to Jacqueline's house for some hang time, they're all, "Oh we don't care. We're not talking about this endlessly because it bugs us or anything."
Luckily, Jacqueline's 20-year-old daughter Ashley sucks almost as bad as Teresa, so she's the new topic of discussion even though she's not present. Apparently, she looks different with platinum blonde hair and a whole mess of tattoos, but she's stayed true to her core beliefs: Go nowhere and do nothing in life.
Then, she's saved by the doorbell. Teresa, Joe and their youngest meatball spawn arrive for dinner -- and judging by everyone's faces, Teresa's head on a platter is the only suitable meal. In some cultures, brain is a delicacy. It's a shame she hasn't got one. Teresa knows why everyone's annoyed, but she hopes a meal can smooth things over. Caroline simply wants an admission of guilt, so they go out back to talk mama y mama.
Teresa says: "I think maybe you guys misread it 'cause if you really read it good, I didn't insult you. It was like a joke. That hurts me that you would even think I'd write anything bad about you or your children." She continues: "If I didn't care, you think my heart would be beating like this?" (Cardiologists say: Well, yes, since you're alive.)
Every time Teresa's put on the spot, she gets all frantic and darty-eyed like a dog that can tell it's going to the vet. She has endless excuses, and Caroline puts it perfectly when she says that Teresa "wasn't sorry [for] what she wrote; she's sorry she got caught." Then it starts to rain, because the 'Housewives' franchises makes God cry. They run inside, exchange sorries and smooches, and all is right with the world ... until the next commercial break.
When our heroes return, we're at Melissa's house where she, her husband and son Gino are packing for their trip down to the Jersey Shore. Joe throws some saucy "goodies" at Melissa and advises her to bring them to Toms River. Melissa tells her son that the whip dad's panting over is "to play with kittykats," and one can only imagine the therapy sessions and complicated tingly feelings Gino will eventually have toward felines.
Speaking of raging sexaholics, Kathy and Jeff Goldblum are also packing to hit the shore with the Gorgas and Giudices. "Stick it deep in the bag, Rich. Stick it in deep, all the way in!" is definitely how most people direct their husbands to place items in a suitcase. One can only assume the gross vignette was part of some larger subliminal viewer sterilization program paid for by the government.
Meanwhile, trip prep isn't going so hot for Teresa. She's trying to wrangle her three young daughters, or, as I like to call them, "living birth control." When Gabriella, 7, calls older sister Gia a "stupid whore," your tubes practically tie themselves. "I don't care about you, you always be gone!" she hollers at her loving mother later. Cutie!
At this point, the only person we haven't really checked in with yet is Jacqueline. With her Unemployed Barbie (downward spiral sold separately!) at home, she leans heavily on her life coach. Her daughter's endless self-destruction is defeating Jacqueline. During a walk with Caroline, she says the breaking point has come -- and this time, she's going to let things shatter. Ashley's aunt and uncle in Vegas are willing to take her in, and she has to leave tomorrow. That messes up her schedule of getting piercings and bigger lips, but this is non-negotiable. Ashley's leaving, but Caroline and Jacqueline are staying put. They won't be joining the other "Housewives" at the beach.
Speaking of which, it seems like that trip may not be too bumpy ... until Joe Gorga digs a pot hole. Apparently, Teresa called him and said that Melissa would leave him in a heartbeat for a richer man. He tells Melissa, who is horrified. But since this episode is brought to you by "Keeping Your Cool," she admirably lets it go as the ravings of a jealous lunatic who is probably unhappy in her own marriage.
As Teresa and Joe drive to the shore, that assessment seems right on the laundered money. Joe's-a-cheater rumors ran rampant, and though Teresa's mouth says it's false, the rest of her face calls bullshit. During the car ride she asks him about the previous night, and his admission that he was out with a few women ("I forget their names") doesn't go over well.
Even their eldest daughter is suspicious, and he eloquently responds with, "It was business, Gia. Shut up." Yeah, seriously Gia, shut up, everything is great! Just 'cause your daddy drove drunk and went to jail and maybe has a secret love meatball doesn't mean he's a bad man. Besides, it's not like your mom made your baby sisters pose for a photo (at the beach, in swimsuits) that accompanied an In Touch article entitled "My Life Without Joe."
While everyone around her is nursing emotional wounds, Caroline's suffering has been physical, too. She's getting migraines, she's tired, she's having mood swings, she's a stress beast. What could that be? Strange symptoms for an aging woman, right? According to the doctor, she's suffering from menopause/the dreaded "getting old" disease. A good way to fix most of those issues is "new friends" ... but unfortunately you can't write a prescription for that.
Luckily, all those things that are making Caroline sick are now at their homes in Toms River. It's "alls you need!" according to Teresa. The Giudices even have a boat, cleverly named "Giudice's Boat." Melissa and Joe also own a house, in which a "lot of Gorgasms" happen. Joe has installed soundproofing material so that nobody can hear their bleating. It's a perfect family spot! If the amount of times you talk about having sex is inversely proportionate to how much you're having it, then nobody's getting any at the Shore.
Finally, they put their differences aside, stuff their sausage bodies into some casings and head down to the water. Joe Gorga finally stops thinking about getting laid long enough to lay into Teresa -- and while defending his history as a good brother, he reveals that he loaned them $25,000. There must be something in the salty air (or her fruity drank) 'cause she doesn't start flipping sand chairs. Instead, they call a truce that, judging from the blood-curdling sneak peek at next week's episode, won't last very long.
The previews make it obvious that Ashley and Teresa are the show's super evil villains -- and in this Jersey fairytale, hate may actually conquer all.
"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs Sunday nights at 10 p.m. ET on Bravo
Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 2 of HBO's "Girls," entitled, "Vagina Panic."
Last time on "Girls" (Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO): Aspiring novelist Hannah gets cut off from her parents -- "No. More. Money" -- but that's OK because she's seeing a guy who treats her heart like monkey meat and says things like, "You're not that fat anymore." No, wait, that's really not OK. Meanwhile, her BFF Marnie wants to break up with her needy boyfriend Charlie, and her childhood BFF Jessa just came back to town because she's totally pregnant.
Now, a lot of you didn't think the pilot was as funny as I did, which is totally fine. It seemed like everyone had something to say about it -- whether you were a girl living in Brooklyn, a girl living in Illinois or a someone who knew a girl.
Some people thought Hannah was too privileged, too whiny and too self-centered. Yes, Hannah is all of those things, but she's also extremely self-aware. Not everyone is going to like her, but I do. I can even look past "cupcake-gate."
However, for those of you that didn't love the pilot -- or appreciate Dunham's humor -- then I'm afraid that Episode 2 isn't going to make you fall in love with Hannah and her girls. Out of the three episodes that I've seen, this was definitely my least favorite. It delves a bit deeper into Hannah's crazy neurotic behavior, and not in the adorkable, likable way.
Also, as I'm recapping this, I would like you all to know that my BFF Sumana is sitting next to me. She's Indian. I'm obviously making up for Lena Dunham's lack of diversity by adding some to my recap.
Somewhere in Brooklyn, Hannah and Adam are once again having really gross -- and painfully awkward -- sex. As if we didn't already think Adam was the worst guy ever, now he calls her a "dirty whore" and pretends that she's a 11-year-old junkie with a Cabbage Patch lunch box. But at least he asks her if she was a Gatorade after sex. Wow, Hannah, what a keeper!
We also learn that Adam is used to hooking up with girls without using condom. Hannah, who's has a fear of AIDS since she was a teenager, is obviously spooked by Adam's confession. So she rushes home to Google "diseases that come from no condom for one second." Now, I've had my fair share of embarrassing Google searches, but I'm going to let you know that the last thing I searched on my phone was "One Direction."
Obviously, Hannah and I are two completely different levels of crazy. In a state of vagina panic, Hannah immediately calls Marnie and asks her to book a gyno appointment ASAP. I thought Marnie worked in PR? Is Hannah actually having her friend book her appointment for her? Is she too embarrassed? Does she not like talking to strangers?
For a good chunk of my adolescence, I too was afraid to talk to people on the phone. I couldn't even order a pizza out of fear that the guy on the other end of the phone would mock me. Then, I turned 14 and got over it.
Meanwhile, somewhere else is Brooklyn, Marnie and Charlie are having really tame -- and painfully awkward -- sex. Charlie likes to take it slow, and wants to look into Marnie's eyes. Marnie, on the other hand, looks like she'd rather be anywhere else in the world than wrapped around Charlie.
Back in Manhattan, Shoshanna is totes making her manifestation board in her Nolita apartment while listening to Kelly Clarkson. That's pretty much my dream life. Hell hath no fury like a woman who just listened to Kelly Clarkson.
Case in point: Yesterday, I cried (a lot), and the only thing that made me feel even remotely better was listening to "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)." You better believe I grabbed my hairbrush and jumped on my bed. The whole nine yards.
Now, most people seem to agree that Shoshanna is the least realistic character among Dunham's girls. However, I am here to tell you that I know more people like Shoshanna than I'm actually willing to admit. My lovely-super-amazing roommate Jewlie (if you're reading this, a Coldplay song plays in my heart every time I look at you) works in fashion, and those girls throw around words like "totes," "amaze" and "obvi" like Naomi Campbell likes to throw around her cell phone.
So while Shoshanna rocks out to Kelly, Jessa has to get ready for the abortion that Marnie planned for her because there's no way she's ready to have little hipster, maxi dress-wearing babies just yet.
Jessa meets up with Hannah and Shoshanna for her pre-abortion Tasti D-Lite fix. Dear Hannah, Tasti D-Lite fro-yo is so five years ago. It's all about 16 Handles right now. (#MistakesGIRLSmake)
Also, how can Hannah even afford that $4.50 cup of Tasti D-Lite? I thought she was broke. Maybe Shoshanna treated her besties to an afternoon fro-yo snack? Is this how she bribes people into being her friends? I think so.
Of course, this seems like the best time for Shoshanna to break out her relationship advice book. It's pretty much like everything you've ever read in Cosmopolitan magazine, full of advice like, "Hey ladies, if a man doesn't take you on a date, he's not interested" and "Hey ladies, doing it from behind is degrading."
Obviously, the reason Adam doesn't take Hannah out on dates is because he's broke. I mean, the $800 his grandma gives him can only buy him so many cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon before he's all tapped out.
Unfortunately, for Shoshanna, Jessa doesn't want any part of her "Hey Ladies Bible." She doesn't like women telling other women how to do it or when to do it. Plus, she thinks dates are for lesbians.
Hannah doesn't really have time to figure out what's wrong with Jessa because she has a job interview, and I don't think the $20 her parents left for her (and the other $20 she stole from her parents') in the hotel room is really going to fund her cupcake addiction for much longer.
At first, it looks like Hannah might actually get this job. After all, the girl knows how to have a conversation.
"I do object to any bar that calls its bartenders 'mixologists,'" she tells her potential future employer. To which Sumana says, "Do I secretly identify with this girl, or what?" Sumana and I often like to make fun of mixologists and their tiny vests. When we pay $15 for a drink, are we actually paying part of your uniform dry-cleaning bill?
However, the interview turns south when Hannah makes a date rape joke ... during the interview. Note to everyone: Over-sharing on a job interview is never OK. Hopefully, Hannah will cover this in Chapter 5 of her memoir, which will appropriately be called: "That One Time I Accused a Potential Employer of Being a Rapist and Thought That It Was Totes Funny."
Meanwhile, Marnie is at the abortion clinic getting seriously upset at Jessa for not showing up on time for her appointment. I mean, how dare she? Thankfully, this means that she and Hannah get to squeeze in some conventional period talk.
"Then you're really lucky because I never know when I'm getting my period. It's always a surprise, which is why all of my underwear are covered in weird stains." I won't say who -- because that would just be rude -- but a good friend once told me the exact thing. Thank you, Lena, for making a period joke that is actually funny. Whitney Cummings can learn a thing or two in period joke etiquette.
When Marnie and Hannah aren't talking about their periods, they're talking about AIDS. Naturally. People with AIDS can live very normal lives, says Shoshanna. I mean, haven't you seen Rent? Angel and Collins had, like, the best life ever ... until Angel died of AIDS. But, hey, at least Mimi and Roger were totes OK.
"Please, I've seen it like 12 times," says obvious Rent-head Marnie. "It's basically why I moved to New York." You know what? It's basically the reason I moved to New York too. I always wanted to be the feline of Avenue B. Now, I have a feline and live on Avenue D. Pretty close, right?
But, seriously, where is Jessa? Oh, having White Russians and hooking up with tourists? Yeah, that makes sense. However, Marnie is upset that Jessa totally blew off her abortion, which leads to my favorite line of the episode, in which Hannah calls out Marnie for her own self-absorbed ridiculousness. "How could she ruin that beautiful abortion that you through?"
If she only knew that Jessa really wasn't pregnant -- as the poor boy she forced down her pants grossly realized. Hooray for more period references!
Back at the clinic, Marnie realizes that Shoshanna's biggest insecurity is that she's almost 22 and she's never had sex -- and she's never even given a blow job. For Shoshanna, this is obviously, like, the worst thing ever. Hey ladies, you're totally not a lady until you've had sex.
Fun fact: Lena Dunham recently opened up to Rookie Magazine about losing her virginity in college. "It's amazing how permanent virginity feels, and then how suddenly inconsequential," she wrote. "I barely remembered the sensation, the embarrassment and the urgency."
I can't wait for the scene in which Shoshanna finally loses her v-card. I think it will pretty much be the greatest thing ever, especially if she gets all of her advice from her "Hey Ladies Bible."
Meanwhile, Hannah is currently sitting -- legs up -- in those really uncomfortable stirrups, explaining her fear of AIDS to the gynecologist. Sumana seems to agree that the perplexed gyno is Indian, so therefore, Dunham should get credit for adding another hint of diversity.
Now, Hannah's fear of AIDS is definitely a little out-there. Unless, of course, normal 24-year-olds have a fear of contacting AIDS. Regardless, here's the most awkward gynecologist appointment conversation ever:
Hannah: If you have AIDS, there's a lot of stuff that people aren't going to bother you about. Like, for example, no one is going to call you and say, "Oh, did you get a job or did you pay your rent or did you take that HTML course?," because all they're going to say is, "Congratulations on not being dead!" And it's also a really good excuse to be mad at a guy. It's not something dumb, like, "You didn't text me." It's like, "You gave me AIDS, so deal with that forever." Maybe I'm not scared of AIDS. Maybe I thought I was scared of AIDS, but what I really am is wanting AIDS."
Gynecologist: That is an incredibly silly thing to say. You do not want AIDS. Do you know that every 35 minutes a woman is diagnosed with HIV, and a third of those women are under the age of 30 and many of them will die of AIDS?
Hannah: Are you saying that if Adam gave me AIDS, that I'm definitely going to die of it?
Gynecologist: No, I'm not saying that. Can you open up please? You could not pay me to be 24 again.
Hannah: Yeah, well, they're not paying me at all.
"Girls" airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO. Here's what people thought of last week's pilot episode. What did you think of Episode 2? Will you continue watching? Let us know in the comments!