How Well Do You Know "American" TV

With the 4th of July weekend upon us, I got to thinking about all the TV shows that search for America's best. In recent years, we've turned to television to find some of our hottest singers, greatest inventors, young talents, and even cute dogs.

It's not that reality TV is necessarily an American thing (just check out all those wacky Japanese game shows for proof). But American networks took to the genre with vigor. So, in honor of Independence Day, I've put together a quiz all about reality shows with "America" or "American" in the name. How well do you know this intersection of entertainment and national pride? Good luck!

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Talk Talk: Larry Hagman, Dustin Hoffman, Virginia
Madsen

Filed under: Late Night, TV Royalty, Programming, Celebrities, Talk Show, Reality-Free

Here's who's on the late night shows tonight.

• Charlie Rose: Judith Jamison
• The Daily Show: Lara Logan (repeat)
• The Colbert Report: Jonathan Zittrain (repeat)
• The Late Show with David Letterman: Sarah Jessica Parker and The Republic Tigers (repeat)
• Jay Leno: Dustin Hoffman, Gordon Ramsay, and Flobots (repeat)
• Jimmy Kimmel Live: Charlize Theron, Guillermo del Toro, and We The Kings (repeat)
• Tavis Smiley: Larry Hagman and Lee A. Daniels
• Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jeff Garlin, Dax Shepard, and The Kills (repeat)
• The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Virginia Madsen, Darin Strauss, and John Hiatt (repeat)
• Last Call with Carson Daly: Adam Carolla, Gary Cannon, and Cloud Cult (repeat)

 

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Legally Blonde The Musical : These Boots Were
Made For Whining

Hello Legally Blonde watchers. Welcome back to the Pink House. If you're still with me, it means you've fallen under the same unlikely spell as I have and you've suddenly found yourself giving a crap what happens to these overblown homecoming queens. I know, it's unsettling. But just hang in there a few more weeks and this will all be over with. (And then you know you'll be back to obsessing over the losers on The Hills. Btw, Team Heidi 100%. Get over yourself, Lauren! As Michael Stipe said, "Everybody hurts sometimes.") So this week, we've got some things to look forward to. Natalie steps into the spotlight, Emma is forced off her high horse, and Autumn blows chunks. It's about time these ladies went full tilt boogie. We begin this week's episode the same way we always do. Everyone is sitting around picking at their cuticles and waiting to see which girls actually make it back from the casting office. And then someone comments, "It's really nerve-wracking waiting to see who comes through that door." Yaddi yadda.Only this week Bailey spices things up by being a total backstabbing bitch. While waiting in agony with everyone else, she comments, "You don't want to be like, oh one girl down, 5 more to go. You don't want to be thataway." Yes she says "thataway." But then, when she's alone with the camera, Bailey says, "Autumn is one of my biggest competitions and honestly I hope she goes home tonight." Yes, she said competition instead of competitors."I hope she goes home tonight." Man, that is some nasty behavior. I love it! Way to go, minister's daughter. I always knew you had it in you.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS ME

Oh...and then who should walk through the door but Autumn. And the girls could not be more surprised for this was the week that the judges threw them the ol' curveball and sent two ladies home. And neither of them were Autumn. Sorry, Bailey.

SHE BEST SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN, YA HEAR?

The ladies all get a good night's rest, and wake up in the morning to find a call sheet directing them to meet at a dance studio. This immediately makes all of them nervous because apparently none of them feel particularly confident in dancing.To be the next Elle Woods, the winner needs to be able to sing, act, and dance. Now, I can't do any of those things, but if I had to pick one to fake my way through, I'd have to say dancing would be the easiest. So what is the big deal?

DANCING MAKES THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE GO NUMB

The girls arrive at the dancing studio to find their phenomenally awful mentor Duff, eager to greet them and dressed like a tampon.

AND JUST AS EASY TO DISPOSE OF

Today they are going to learn a hip-hoppy dance number, as instructed by a cranky man named Nick Kenkle. Pronounced Cankle--as in the unfortunate occurrence of a not-so-separated calf and ankle. Something I'm suuuure none of these ladies suffer from.

YOU ALSO SUFFER FROM FIPS, OR FAT-HIPS

But before they all get started learning their dance moves, Emma has an important announcement to make. "I need something to spit in." Yes, Tough Tina's still battling bronchitis and she wants to make sure everybody knows it.

COUGHING UP WADS OF TALENT

With the help of Cankles, the girls go through the dance moves a few times. And even though Cankles says that each and everyone of them is simply awful, he still rewards them all with a pair of high heeled, bright pink boots.

THE BOOTS GET TO SIT. YOU MUST STAND.

Or maybe it's because they are all simply awful that he makes them wear these boots. At any rate, the girls react to the boots with mock excitement. "But why are they going to wear these boots for the rest of the day?" you ask. Well, it's to test their ability to dance under wobbly circumstances. According to associate choreographer Denis, "The broadway stage is literally an obstacle course of chords, of stairs, of tracks that love to get heels caught in them."

IT'S LITERALLY A MINEFIELD. KA-BLOOEY.

I don't want to sound like a snob here (yes I do), but this is the first of many many many abuses of the term "literally" in this episode. And this is the least offensive. No, I don't believe that the stage is literally an obstacle course. It's literally a stage. If it were built as an obstacle course, then I'm sure at some point, someone in charge would've said, "Hey, where's the crew? They've screwed up and built an obstacle course instead of a stage. How are we supposed to perform on this? There are tires and ropes all over the place." But anyway, then he tells the ladies to put on their new hideous boots because they are going to move practice outside to "the cobble-stoned streets of Brooklyn." Sounds kind of like a Renaissance Festival/Epcot Center kind of thing, no? Ye olde cobblestoned Brooklyn. Come feast on the King's bagels and frolic with the hipsters of the royal court. As merry as this whole thing sounds, the ladies are less than pleased to be dancing in ye olde streets.

PLEASE SIR, I'M LITERALLY FREEZING MY ASS OFF.

Before the girls can go thinking this is some ridiculous stunt that MTV cooked up because dancing in a studio makes for lousy television, Denis assures them of the importance of the task at hand by reminding them that "The stage is covered with tracks that literally eat stilettos for lunch."Really? There are tracks that literally eat stilettos for lunch. Denis, you are lucky I'm working on a computer that doesn't have photoshop right now or I'd show you what a stiletto-eating track looks like and I'm pretty sure you'd agree that your stage possesses no such creature.The girls groan and moan and make their way through the dance steps. Emma comments that she was dancing in "possibly the most uncomfortable pink stiletto boots I've ever worn." To me this sounds like she's worn a lot of uncomfortable pink stiletto boots in her life. Sounds unusual, but hey, what do I know about theatre?Indeed all of the girls seemed to share Emma's distaste for the day's rehearsal activities. Well...everyone except for Natalie. This girl was on fire, and just inches away from groping her own boobies the whole time.

UH-HUH. YA LIKE THAT?

In this audition process, practice is never just practice. It's always a little competition. And today the instructors had to find the best dancer of the group. They picked Natalie.

YEAH I KNOW

This is quite the turn of events, considering we've seen Natalie about .5% of the time this whole season. Or rather, she's around a lot, but we just tend to forget about her.So Natalie chooses Rhiannon to go along with her on her reward outing. This time, it's a private yoga lesson with Kate Shindle, the actress who plays Vivian in the musical.

PRAYING TO THE YOGA GODS THAT THE NEXT REWARD IS JUST A NICE COLD BEER

This whole scene is a total snoozefest, so let's fast forward a bit.Natalie and Rhiannon rejoin the rest of the girls to continue rehearsing the "Shake Your Junk" scene for the following day's audition. The rehearsal begins at 6:00. By 6:05, Cankles is telling Emma that she is so awful she is screwing everyone else up. And by 6:40, Denis decides to call it a day. He says, "I deliberately cut rehearsal short to challenge them."

BUT REALLY I JUST HAD THIS WICKED CRAVING FOR SOME PAD THAI

This sends the girls into a panic, and they all rush home to continue practicing. But before they can get too comfortable, they get a surprise late-night call sheet. A booty-call sheet, if you will.And this is no ordinary list of instructions. This is a questionnaire for the girls to fill out together, asking "Who is the worst dancer?" "Who is the worst actor?" Etc. Ah, brutality. I love it. But these pansies don't care much for it. Rhiannon breaks into tears. "To ask this of us, especially after we've had such a rough day."

OH BOO HOO

Then, in the most pathetic move ever, Lauren sucks the air out of the room and draws all of the attention on herself. "I feel like you guys would put me down for every answer."

AND YOU ALL THINK I'M FAT. DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?!

Just as I'm getting ready for some serious drama, and for Bailey to at last be insulting to someone's face, the whole gang downs some marshmallows and happy pills and decides to work together "in the spirit of Elle" to be Team Lovey Dovey and come up with positive twists on the questions. Instead of "worst dancer," now it's "most improved dancer."Since when were euphemisms so welcomed? And so with Autumn at the helm, wielding the blue marker to write their answers down on the giant pad of paper on an easel that magically materialized in the Pink House, the girls made their way through the task at hand.

NEXT WE CAN PLAY PICTIONARY

What a missed opportunity here. Huh folks? The show's producers were probably drooling over the potential footage of cat fights, and doors slamming, and horrid bleeped-out insults. And then they had to go and be all...peachy. YAWN.The following day, the girls show up for their next big audition. Duff is there to greet them, this time dressed like she's hosting the office Christmas party.

AND MAYBE A LITTLE CHRISTMAS ELF SPIKED THE PUNCH...TEE HEE

Then it's time to get this show on the road. Emma's up first and her performance earns her this look.

...YEAH

Emma, what went wrong? "I have bronchitis." Yeah, yeah, we know. But why are you a horrible dancer?

MAYBE I HAVEN'T BEEN COMPLETELY CLEAR. I HAVE BRONCHITIS.

Bailey came next, pleasing the judges with her "sexy" performance. Ha.Then came Rhiannon, who was a bit of a let down. Judge Bernie said, "For someone who literally hit it out of the ball park last week, I was a little disappointed." Up next was Lauren. Despite being the target of the "Everyone tell Lauren how bad she is" questionnaire the night before, this little lady bounced back to give a performance the judges really enjoyed.

I WAS VOTED MOST IMPROVED DANCER!

Next comes Autumn, who puts on a good enough show, but it's clear to the judges that her charisma and enthusiasm on stage are not powerful enough qualities to forgive her shortcomings in dance. As the judges are going over this evaluation, Autumn starts to look weird.

OOF...DON'T THINK ABOUT HOT DOGS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS RIGHT NOW

And then weirder...

DON'T THINK ABOUT THE SMELL OF FEET

And then finally she slaps her hand over her mouth, cheeks ballooned out at the sides, and runs off the stage to go puke. The camera actually follows her into the ladies room, where we get to see her little feet under the stall door and hear her wretching noises.

"BLUH. GLUUUH. BLUUUH." - Autumn

Oh dear. I know you're really embarrassed about your spontaneous vomiting, but look on the bright side...maybe you're just pregnant.Then it's time for Natalie, the previous day's award winner, to take the stage. And once again she busts out all of her moves.

CAN'T...STOP...SHAKING...GROOVE THANG

The judges are so impressed, it prompts Bernie to tell her she's on the Definitely Yes list. It's the first time a contestant has heard they are on the list before the list actually exists. Go Natalie. I was wrong about you. You aren't that boring. And then it's time for the judges to decide who is going to have to meet with them in the casting office. This week's losers are Autumn and Emma.

THE SICKLY TWOSOME

Right away, Emma is incredulous, believing there are contestants who are far less talented than she is. But no one cares what Emma has to say. The ladies report to the casting office, where they each pleads her case about why they should be allowed to stay on in the competition. If you ask me, I think that if you've made it as far as the casting office, you should just get the boot because clearly you are inadequate. So who's going home this week?Emma. And thank goodness because she was really starting to get on my nerves. She's sort of a miserable old soul.She leaves us with her parting words "Lauren and Rhiannon and Bailey are little girls. I don't see why it's me and not some of them."

GRACEFUL

I guess that wraps it up for this week's episo--No. No wait. What happened to that questionnaire? The one the producers gave them with all the nasty questions that they turned into slightly not so nasty questions? They handed their answers over to someone, right? What was the point? Who read it? Anyone? Anyone?Okay well then nevermind. Guess that's really the end of the show. See you next week.

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My Five Cents: Last Comic Standing Season 17...

Who even knew this show was still on!? Well, apparently the good folks at On Demand did because they thought it was smart to buy the season from NBC for all of the diehards who have better things to do on a Thursday night than sit home and wait for this to pop on... you know, all five of us.
I personally love stand-up comedy. Always have, always will. I have never laughed so hard tears have started streaming out of my eyes more than when catching a Robin Williams or Chris Rock special on HBO or Comedy Central. Last Comic Standing then should have been a goldmine for me-- a chance to learn about up and coming comedians who I'd want to check out at the Laugh Factory or UCB or whereever. And at times, it was: it brought me Kathleen Madigan, Alonzo Bodden, Chris Porter, and Michele Balan. I was willing to overlook the few (ahem, Doug Benson) who clearly had moderate success but were still put forth past the semi-final rounds because I was convinced the return would be great. But sadly, the show buried some of its greatest talent just as the network buried the show in the middle of the summer with few promos. Last week was the first round of semi-finals on this season (which is actually only (?) the sixth), and it showed great promise (Jeff Dye, Ron G, Erin Jackson and Andi Smith)... but then Bill Bellamy announced who actually made it through, and to quote NPH, it was "a sausage fest" in there. Not one woman made it through. Now, I'm not saying they should pass a woman through if she isn't as funny as the men she is competing with; affirmative action doesn't work when an audience who has to be entertained is involved. However, even if every other one deserves to get the boot, it was only because Shazia Mizra blew them all out of the water. But she didn't make it. Neither did Erin or Andi, and though I admit I need to hear a bit more from Andi (hard to pass a judgment on three minutes, especially when the show... trims some comedians' sets), Erin was certainly funnier than Paul Foot, a stringy haired Mr. Bean, and God's Pottery, who we've seen three times, and thus far they've performed the same one song about virginity over and over. My jaw actually dropped as an audible "Aw, hell naw!" spilled out of my lips.

Tonight we had a few more funny women (the stoned Mary Mack, the banking on stereotypes Esther Ku, and Iliza Shlesinger, who, if editing is to be believed, got the hardest laughs of the whole group) and some only okay guys (Dan Cummins, who is the Oliver Stone of stand-up, putting the emphasis on the exact word he finds to be the "funny point" of the joke, lest you miss it; Sean Cullen, who did like twenty minutes (or two) of "What Happens In Vegas," chanting and then sang about porn (he actually has a decent voice and maybe should go for America's Got Talent instead; and Stone & Stone, another duo who resued the same jokes from multiple episodes past and who I never personally found funny). There was a much smaller percentage of women who even made it to these semi-final rounds than men, so I guess it's just basic math that fewer would get to take the next step, but to put it bluntly, it still sucks. I mean, really, the Lurch-looking dude with the giant cello? Really? At least Iliza made it or one of us would have had to cut a bitch (Bellamy)!

I admit Marcus is a genius for his impressions, and I'm glad to see him step outside the box and do some "regular" material, as well. He also looks like a less douchebaggy Dane Cook, so that doesn't hurt. While I would normally boycott LCS based on principle, let's face it, TV is slim pickins these days, and as long as there's some eye candy for me, I'm pretty much a guaranteed pair of eyes. NBC, you've been warned: assuming you're planning to fix the votes anyway, fix them in Marcus' favor or lose me much sooner into the season than the pitiful ratings can stand.

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Will Jack Be Missing Chloe on 24

Filed under: Programming, 24, Reality-Free

Even though 24 isn't actually coming back on the air for another, what is it? Nine years? Ten? (Okay, January '09, but still), there's news coming out about next season. While a very pregnant Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays Chloe, has already begun filming on Day 7 of the series, Rajskub's impending due date will force her to take a hiatus from Jack Bauer's really long, bad day. So who's going to lie for Jack and help him out with all of his nerd toys? None other than Chloe's sourpuss ex, Morris O'Brian (Carlo Rota).

Morris, who on Day 6 was kidnapped by terrorists, forced to arm a nuclear weapon, slipped up on his sobriety, broke up with Chloe, found out that he was going to be a daddy and got back together with Chloe, will be having some problems of his own come Day 7.

WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILER AFTER THE JUMP

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What's On Tonight: Bill Engvall Show, Fear
Itself, Swingtown, Kathy Griffin

Filed under: Programming, What To Watch Tonight, Reality-Free

• At 8, NBC has a new, two hour Last Comic Standing, then a new Fear Itself.
• FOX has a new Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? at 8, followed by a new So You Think You Can Dance.
• At 9, TBS has a new Bill Engvall Show, then a new My Boys.
• HGTV has a new Rate My Space at 9.
• At 10, ABC has a new Hopkins.
• CBS has a new Swingtown at 10.
• Sundance has a new Live From Abbey Road at 10, with David Gray and Suzanne Vega.
• Also at 10: Bravo has a new Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List.
• At 10:30, History Channel has a new Surviving History.
• Comedy Central has a new Reno 911 at 10:30.

Check your local TV listings for more.

 

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Clipgasm: Andy Rooney Geico Ad Outtakes

Hey guys! My buddy Lowell and I shot this video of a sketch we did this Fall and I thought you might like it. Enjoy!

video details and more

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Link Time! 7/3

• Cinematical points us to two places where we can find new images from the next Harry Potter movie.
• In an effort to make me sob uncontrollably, TV Squad revisits the final six deaths on Six Feet Under.
• TV with MeeVee wonders if America's Got Talent hit rock bottom with Busty Heart the other night.
• The Underwire has a video tribute to Kermit Love, who designed the costumes for Big Bird and the Snuggle teddy bear, among others.
• Popwatch is literally confused about whether or not Beverly Hills Chihuahua is a real movie, and I can't say I blame 'em.
• Give Me My Remote found that The Secret Life of the American Teenager really, really wasn't for her.
• In honor of the Fourth of July, Tuned In tries to think of TV shows set in various states. Wyoming, anyone?
• I absolutely adore BellaSugar's Bella Donna this week: Mae West.





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Ad placement gone wrong - VIDEO

Filed under: OpEd, Commercials, Reality-Free

Digg has noticed a case of really unfortunate ad placement for Hotels.com during an ABC news cast. Right after a commercial airs touting the hotel bargains at the site, a news report begins about how Hotels.com users are at risk for credit card fraud.

Video after the jump...

Continue reading Ad placement gone wrong - VIDEO

 

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The Gong Show Is Back, Pause GONG

This IS my day job

Comedy Central has teamed up with Sony Pictures Television and Happy Madison Productions to bring you back the Gong Show with Dave Attell. I know a lot of game show remakes have not been good in the past, but I think this will be the one to watch. The Gong Show with Dave Attell will have 7 to 10 acts and then of course they will judged by a panel of celebrity judges (just like the old days). Except now you will get to see the likes of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Brian Posehn, Steve Schirripa...and many more bagging on the contestants.

If anything watch the show for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Dave Attell. It's about time Dave got back on TV.

Check it out on Comedy Central starting July 17th!

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