TVgasm Fall Predictions

The Fall TV Season starts in the next couple of weeks, so we asked our writers to give us a run down of what's to come. There's a lot of promise for good new shows, and as always, there's a lot of promise for some reeeeeeeeally bad ones, too. That's Fall, Kid!

Welcome to TVgasm's Fall Predictions!

MONDAY

Sam I Am (ABC) The jury's still out on this sitcom starring Christina Applegate as an amnesiac who realizes she was a bitch on wheels before she slipped into a coma. Most of us are just confused.

Dr. McSteeny: So it's kind of like a TV version of the movie Overboard?

Flipit: Yay Goldie Hawn!

Krank Mills: I was hoping this was a TV version of that Sean Penn/Dakota Fanning Oscar-baiting movie about a mentally challenged dad. It would have been funnier my way.

T.Vo: I thought it was about green eggs and ham.

Screampillar: I have it on good authority that Christina Applegate is a smelly pirate hooker. So there's that.

Ting Lee: Man Oh Man, do I wish my twenties could have been bookended by an 8 day coma, complete with retrograde amnesia. How great would it have been to take a nice long nap and wake up not really remembering every selfish thing you did?

Pachita: Once a bitch, always a bitch.  Amnesia my ass.

TVgasm predicts: full season

The Big Bang Theory (CBS): A couple of nerds drool over a hot neighbor.

Honey Gangsta: Beauty and the Geek in sitcom form. I?m excited for someone to reverse it and have gorgeous guys learning stuff from really smart girls. And it will never happen.?

LoLo: I'd like to say it'll be yanked after 4 episodes, but this will probably be watched by the same Americans who have made Two and a Half Men the number 1 comedy. God help us.

Krank Mills: This looks insulting to both pretty women and geeky men everywhere.

Flipit: It's David from Roseanne! But without Roseanne! And Darlene! ....wait. Someone tell him that everyone else has left the building. Poor guy. He always gets screwed.

Screampillar: Is Stephen Hawking involved? That's the only way I'll watch this.

TVgasm predicts: yanked midseason

Journey Man (NBC): Time traveling journalist Dan Vassar tries to change everyone's life for the better.

Dr. McSteeny: So a guy wakes up one day and it turns out he's traveled back to 1987. This gives him the chance to save the life of his old girlfriend who in actual time, passed away. In order to save her, though, he has to sacrifice the life he's been living. Gee wiz, and I thought Marty McFly had problems.

Screampillar: Saw the pilot already. It's abysmal. If you enjoy wooden acting and eighties music crammed down your throat to signify that time has warped to THE EIGHTIES, you will enjoy this show.

Pachita: OOH!  A romance-mystery with a meddling time traveller?!  Maybe Dan Vassar can travel back to his own conception and talk his dad into using a condom.

T.Vo: Quantam Leap called. It wants it's script back.

Flipit: The star looks like the guy from Rome, but he has waaaay too many articles of clothing on. I'll stay in the past and watch him half-nakedly beat the shit out of people on HBO.

TVgasm predicts: Won't make it to Christmas.

Go back!

K-Ville (Fox): It's two years after Katrina, and New Orleans has some busy ass cops.

LoLo: Ugh, picking up where Studio 60 left off, this show is vomiting politics all over the place. Set in a post-Katrina New Orleans, this cop show also features a main character who has just returned from serving in Afghanistan.

Flipit: Now just throw in an illegal alien dying of testicular cancer and a woman who thinks she might be having a retarded baby and you'll have yourself a winner. Heavy handed and lame.

Krank Mills: Leave it to Fox to develop a show about Katrina way TOO SOON.

T.Vo: You mean it's not a reality show that revolves around K-Fed getting his own town?

Dr. McSteeny: Any show with characters nicknamed "Glueboy" and "Love tap" is ok by me. I give it 5 episodes until somebody gets the nickname "Tummysticks".

TVgasm predicts: Yanked before Halloween.

TUESDAY

Cavemen (ABC): The guys from the Geiko commercials got their own show. Oy.

Dr. McSteeny: You should be ashamed of yourself, ABC.

T.Vo: Finally, the right sitcom to push Nair hair removal products and bikini waxes!

Honey Gangsta: No, no, no. I suspect this will turn out to be a heart-tugger about accepting everyone. That I just can not condone.?

Screampillar: Come on, guys! What if the world hadn't given cavemen a chance in the first place? THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?!

Flipit: Man, the gecko got screwed. I wish the "Where's the Beef?" lady was still alive. She was awesome.

TVgasm predicts: We begrudgingly predict a full season.

Poor little guy.

Carpoolers (ABC): A bunch of guys carpool to work and wacky comedy ensues.

LoLo: Network TV is determined to make a star out of Jerry O'Connell yet. Good luck with that.

Screampillar: At first I thought hell no, but upon finding out that a couple folks from Arrested Development are behind it, I've already pre-ordered the first season on DVD.

Krank Mills: Another dumb sitcom about men being stupid, oh, I'm sorry "male-bonding."

Ting Lee: Dudes, in a Car?

Flipit: Oooh! Maybe if it gets a second season they can start taking the bus! WACKY!!!

TVgasm predicts: Full season.

Cane (CBS): Jimmy Smits is the head of a large Cuban-American family that runs a rum and sugar business in Florida.

Screampillar: A House spinoff! Eh? Eh??

Dr. McSteeny: Unless the spelling is a typo and it's actually "Cain" and it's about one half of the Bible brother characters, and you get to substitute watching the show for going to church, and you get credits
toward going to Heaven, there's no way in hell people will watch.

Krank Mills: Hermanos Y Hermanas.

Pachita: CBS, you're crazy! Cuba is soooo 2006!

TVgasm predicts: This show will finally start getting somewhere and the screen will go to black before Spring.

Chuck (NBC): A computer geek becomes a government agent after accidentally downloading an entire server of secrets to his brain.

Krank Mills: Chuck has a computer for a brain or something. Created by McG, which means it's going to be inane but look really good and have a loud soundtrack.

T.Vo: First rule of not being a noob: you don't open e-mail attachments from unknown senders.

Screampillar: Oh, geeky but lovable nerds. Will your assault on America's hearts and minds never end?

Pachita: I don't like the name Chuck.  Call me when they change it to Charlie.

TVgasm predicts: Yanked by midseason.

New Amsterdam (FOX): A brilliant NYC homicide detective who's also, get this, IMMORTAL!

LoLo: The premise is ludicrous, so I'll try and do it justice: John Amsterdam is a former Dutch soldier in the 17th century colony of New Amsterdam who was granted eternal life and youth after saving an Indian girl from a massacre. The spell will be broken only when he finds true love. Got that?

Flipit: He has to find true love in NYC? He should move. That's a really tough town.

Screampillar: I imagine the pitch for this show went something like this: "GRITTY!"

TVgasm predicts: Yanked by New Years.

The Reaper (CW)

LoLo: Sam's parents sold his soul to the Devil and now he must serve as a Grimm Reaper, collecting evil souls in a Dirt Devil with the help of his slacker friends. Marks 1 and 2 have got to be his parents.

Krank Mills: "Sam's parents sold his soul to the Devil". That alone is awesome.

Honey Gangsta: Oh, how adorable! It's Faust with a twist!

Pachita: Oh, come on, a dust buster? I hate the CW.

Dr. McSteeny: Well, it could have been another show with Tyra banks saying "fierce" five hundred times an hour.

T.Vo: And the parents could have sold him into white slavery...

Flipit: So no?

All: No!

LoLo: I think it looks good! (groans from around the table) What?

TVgasm predicts: Full season. Come on, it's the CW.

WEDNESDAY

Pushing Daisies (ABC): If Ned touches a dead thing, it will come back to life. If he touches it again, it will die.

Screampillar: The Midas Touch, but with death. Bring the kids!

LoLo: Like a pervert, Ned should just learn to keep his hands to himself.

Flipit: Maybe that dead narrator chick from Desperate Housewives can guest star so Ned can finally shut her ass up for good.

Dr. McSteeny: Honest to God, every single bus in Manhattan has these two Daisy pusher-uppers on the side of them. If not strictly for the sake of reimbursing ABC for its astronomical advertising fees I hope this thing makes it a full season.

Krank Mills: Doubtful, mostly because Kristin Chenoweth stars and she is a total show killer.

TVgasm predicts: This show will make it to midseason and then get some retooling and then get yanked.

Private Practice (ABC)

Krank Mills: We all saw that preview episode of this Grey's Anatomy spin-off last year and we all know it totally blew.

Flipit: I'll watch it if Tyne Daley comes on to play Amy Brenneman's mom and tells everyone like it is. Seriously, someone should have a sit-down with Addison. The girl cries ALL THE TIME.

LoLo: I have no interest in this dreck.

Screampillar: I'd rather be torn apart by the claws of a thousand rabid housecats than poison my eyeballs with this.

TVgasm predicts: This is a tough call, but we suspect Addison will be making her way back to Seattle by Summer.

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC): A lawyer takes a job working for an insanely rich family.

Ting Lee: Anything that has Peter Krause playing a morally, ethically conflicted man with a strong yet questionable sexual appetite has my vote. I hope he gets it on with Samaire Armstrong and then Donald Sutherland drinks a lot but gives good advice.

Krank Mills: This is about as heavily promoted as Nine was last year. And we all know how that went.

Flipit: But it's about an "insanely rich" family! I have to watch!

T.Vo: The title is the bastard child of a Justin Timberlake and Pussycat Dolls song -- only "sexy" should be spelled "$eXXXy!!"

TVgasm predicts: This should make it through a full season.

Kid Nation (CBS): A bunch of kids are dropped off in the middle of nowhere to fend for themselves.

Pachita: This is wronger than wrong. Where are their parents?

LoLo: CBS slapped lawsuits on the parents to stop them from crying foul.

Flipit: I don't get the controversy. My mom left me alone at Christian Fat Camp and no one said a thing.

LoLo: Millions of people will be tuning in to see if it's Little Timmy or Little Bobby that sets himself on fire first.

Ting Lee: How many minutes into the first episode ?til we figure out who?s Piggy?

Flipit: Get him!!

Screampillar: I tried this little experiment once. I called it My Basement Dungeon.

TVgasm predicts: Full season.

Bionic Woman (NBC): A remake of the 70's series about a woman who gets bionic parts and has to learn how to use her powers for good.

Screampillar: I think that one thing that everyone has failed to predict for the past few years is how popular people jumping from rooftop to rooftop would become.

LoLo: In a true update for our times, she'd also get a new vagina.

Ting Lee: If someone tried to slap all those parts on you, wouldn?t you just say thanks but no thanks? What good is it to be able to get to the party first if you have an eye patch, a prosthetic claw, and a beret over one side of your head? This one will last. People love a deformed hot chick.

Flipit: This has the executive producer from Battlestar Galactica and co-stars Starbuck!! Geeks and lesbians unite! Wait. Does that mean Starbuck's a cylon or not? I'm dyin' here! When does BSG start again?

TVgasm predicts: Full season.

Life (NBC)

Screampillar: Could you be a little more specific?

T.Vo: A detective who returns to the force after serving time in prison for a crime he was framed for. He should get a big ass motherfucking gun and shoot everyone. That's what the Rock would do.

Flipit: Seriously. When does BSG start?

TVgasm predicts: Yanked by Christmas.

Back to You (FOX): Frasier and Ray's wife become news anchors.

Dr. McSteeny: 2 big stars + 1 big network = 3 trailers, 7 hair and
make-up people, 4 Botox injectors, and 6 more trips to the plastic surgeon for Patricia Heaton.

Ting Lee: Minus- Kelsey Grammar. Though brilliant before, I think I?m done. Plus- Fred Willard. I could watch Fred Willard turn on a faucet. Then turn it off. Then on. It would be hilarious. But Fred isn?t the costar, Patricia Heaton is. Pat ain?t no David Hyde Pierce.

Krank Mills: Kelsey Grammer + Patricia Heaton = Comedy gold! ...Right? RIGHT???

Screampillar: Excuse me while I vomit up everything I've ever consumed.

TVgasm predicts: Yanked by Spring.

Call the Gecko

Gossip Girl (CW): This show's being called the "OC for NYC".

Ting Lee: Some socialites fight to see who?s the most popular. OMG. I can?t wait to get an inside peek into what that might be like. I have no idea. Do they party/compete with their moms? Do they like just forget to wear underwear? Where do the little dogs go when they get less cute? Stamp RENEW on this one.

Dr. McSteeny: If people are desperate enough for teen drama to watch Newport Harbor, they'll watch Gossip Girl. Hey, we watched Dawson?s Creek and those kids talked like they were 37 years old. We?re weird with the love of teen drama thing.

Pachita: Oh, man. Love bitchy girls, love trashy shows, love NYC. Can't wait.

Flipit: This is totally defamatory and misrepresentative of young socialites everywhere and someone should sue the CW.

Screampillar: The CW's still around?

TVgasm predicts: Full season.

THURSDAY

Big Shots (ABC): The male Sex and the City (?)

Krank Mills: The last thing we need are foursomes of men deciding who's Samantha. Answer: You're ALL Samantha!

Dr. McSteemy: A male SATC?? Don't men have enough?!? This is blasphemy!

Screampillar: Rich CEOS sitting around smoking cigars and chatting about their daily swims in their silos full of money. Fascinating.

Ting Lee: Vartan and McDermott are crushable in a I?ve-been-able-to-fuck-the-hottest-chick-since-high school-and-that?s-20-years-and-I-have-no-feelings-left kind of way. Malina?s crushable in the thank-god-you-seem-nice-and-grateful kind of way. Titus is crushable in the we-have-a-blast-but-when-you?re-on-the-road-you-probably-fuck-drunk-fans-but-I-know-I?m-the-one kind of way. Ladies all over the country will probably plug in.

Flipit: There was a reason the men in SATC had hardly any screen time. They were BOOOOORRRIING.

TVgasm predicts: Yanked by Christmas.

Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) Gordon Ramsay strikes again.

LoLo: Gordie will be tackling a new restaurant each week, gleefully pointing out its flaws while he "nurtures" it to success.

Pachita: If I ever saw Gordon Ramsey yelling at someon in a restaurant, I would form a cavalry of diners armed with silverware and stage a coup.  Hells Kitchen was one thing, this is just ridiculous.

Ting Lee: In his cooking shows on the food network, Gordon Ramsay came across as a gifted chef whose arrogance was an achilles heel. It was funny. Major network Ramsay is just an a-hole.

Honey Gangsta: LOVE the BBC version of this. Ever since I recapped Hell?s Kitchen I?ve developed an innocent raging obsession with Gordon Ramsay. He actually changes his shirt on-camera for the BBC, so here?s hoping he?ll show us too.

Flipit: Well, that would certainly be a kitchen nightmare. Grodie.

Screampillar: In five years, Fox will be 11.5 hours of Gordon Ramsey, 12 hours of American Idol, and a half hour of Simpsons. Mark my words. MARK THEM WELL!

TVgasm predicts: Full season.

FRIDAY

Women's Murder Club (ABC): Four women band together to solve murders.

Krank Mills: I love you Angie Harmon, but you'll always be "former Law & Order ADA" to me.

T.Vo: Some feminists and illiterates will inevitably misinterpret the title and assume it's about men who like to kill women. START RIOTING NOW! End women's suffrage! I give this two weeks.

Flipit: The only way I'd watch this is if it starred the Rock of Love girls.

Screampillar: I like to think this is what the gals from The Babysitter's Club are doing these days.

TVgasm predicts: Full season. Women love murder.

Nashville (FOX): A new reality show about beautiful people trying to become country stars.

Krank Mills: "The creative minds behind Laguna Beach". Yeah, because Laguna Beach required an immense amount of creativity. OMGEEEE this show's gonna last because it's cheap.

Ting Lee: Yay! Laguna Beach with a country score! I didn?t even know Nashville had a high society! I?ll finally see a cotillion!

Flipit: I went to Nashville once and it was really hot. Ew.

Pachita: I'm covering this, so it had better be damned good.

Flipit: Good luck, sista.

TVgasm predicts: Half season.

SUNDAY

Viva Laughlin (CBS): A musical set in a Laughlin casino.

Krank Mills: Based on a BBC show? Hugh Jackman? AND it's a musical? Sign me up!

T.Vo: Only in a musical would anyone go to Laughlin.

Flipit: I'll watch to see if Melanie Griffith's face falls off. Now there's a number.

Screampillar: I imagine a bunch of TV execs sitting around an office, brainstorming, when one of them jumps up and yells "Hugh Jackman prancing around singing songs about casinos!" And then the rest of the execs look at each other, then one of them starts slowly clapping, and it crescendos until they're all giving him a standing ovation and a bag full of money with a dollar sign on it.

TVgasm predicts: A month, tops.

So there you have it, gasmii! What are your predictions?

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