Tila Tequila: I Need a Shot

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is the latest in the D-list reality star dating series, only this one's on MTV and not VH1. Since VH1 had no problem showing girls hurling loogies, defecating on floors, and moaning out orgasms, what the hell could be in this show that made VH1 say, "Oh wow, that's inappropriate for our older, more sophisticated audience, MTV why don't you take this one"? Ah, that's right - lesbian make-out sessions.

Yep, this is a bisexual dating show! The lovely Ms. Tila Tequila, of Myspace, men's magazine and one truly terrible music video fame, can't decide if she likes guys or girls better so she's inviting 16 of each to her home to have sex with her. The twist is the 32 fame whores don't know about her bisexuality, and therefore don't know the other gender will be coming (no pun intended).

So buckle down, keep your prescription medications handy (my poor TiVo is already showing signs of herpes between me making it record this and I Love New York 2), and join me as we watch Tila take A Shot at Love!

Dude, this chick's like a hot lesbian! SCORE!

We begin with the 16 guys arriving by limo and going ape shit as they see Ms. Tila waiting up on a balcony for them, welcoming them to the home MTV rented for her. Lance, a professional clown (seriously), begins scaling the wall as Ashley from West Virginia tells us he's never been with an Asian girl before, but he loves Chinese food. Sorry Ash, but I don't think Asian box tastes the same as Asian food. I don't think anyone wants to taste egg roll down there. Oh, and by the way, Ashley is an elementary school teacher, which explains a lot about everyone I've ever met from West Virginia.

Tila instructs the guys to each grab the plastic key to her heart, and the boys run inside the house to meet her. Michael B., a pizza delivery guy (again, seriously), is suitably impressed with the house, saying it's a step up from his momma's couch. We also meet "Domenico", and I don't know which one is more of a lie - his horrible "Italian" accent, or the fact he's claiming that he's straight.

I-sa like the boobies, ya.

Tila tells us that each of the guys has brought her a present, and she first sits down with Eddie, a singer/dancer whose gift is him trying to advance his career by singing a song he wrote. He uses a rose for a microphone (which I suspect he really believes is a microphone). He's hot and sounds good - keep. He then claims he's a virgin and Tila exclaims that he's lying while she quickly decides if making a virgin notch on her mutilated bedpost is worth enduring some bumpy, 2-minute sex. She then shocks everyone by admitting she's not a virgin.

Ryan, an oil executive, gives Tila an Indian dream catcher and a flashback to 1992. Alex the hip-hop dancer does the worm for her. Rami, a waiter, gives her a ceramic frog and some cheesy line about how he's her Prince Charming. Tila is less than impressed. Michael R., a sexually confused musician, gives her drumsticks and partially blinds her with his puffy, hot pink quilted jacket. Dude, better move would have been to give Tila the jacket, since it's clearly women's clothing. Steven, a club promoter from the hot spot of Dothan, Alabama, gives her a creepy painting he made while in therapy and then jams his tongue down her throat while I cringe.

At the right angle, I can swallow your head.

Lancey the Clown is up. He performs some weak juggling and then basically runs around in circles. I'm not impressed. Not only are you a clown, but you're a shitty clown. He's cute though. Ben, a radio personality (read: traffic reporter), demonstrates tea bagging for Tila. 1. I don't think it's anything she hasn't seen before and 2. He uses an actual tea bag not... something grosser. She forces a laugh. He gone! Eric the bouncer gives her laundry detergent so she can wash his washboard stomach. Tila criticizes him for lack of originality and tells us she's looking for something different.

Speaking of different, our resident Guido gives Tila a plate of spaghetti and gigantic meatballs, and says he's going to be her hot sausage for the night. Tila tells us that she loves it when a guy prepares the food she vomits up! It makes the purging experience more sentimental. Guido feeds her some spaghetti, and they do that kissing scene from Lady and the Tramp, only way less cute. Knowing Guido's not really a threat, a group of guys who witness the kiss are highly amused, especially one tall dude who laughs like a squealing pig. Guido tells us that when she kissed him there was a vibration by his leg, like a third world war. That's his dick screaming in protest that he likes boys and he has no business kissing this chick.

Professor Ashley has used his hard-earned money from retarding West Virginia's youth to buy Tila a cute jewelry set. He proudly tells her he got it from Wal-Mart and it cost a whole $60! This boy is so country. Tila tells us he's sweet and charming, but a little dumb. Meanwhile, Guido asks the guys if they would sleep with another guy for 10 million dollars and they all predictably freak out, saying they don't do that shit in America. Umm, okay. Guido then tells us that the guys are "omophobic" which he defines as when guys are scared of other guys.

Super hot Marcus, a spokesmodel (for what?), gives Tila walkie-talkies. He's also the one who laughs like a squealing pig. She takes her walkie-talkie and beat boxes as he freestyles and if that really was impromptu, it was a hell of a lot better than her music vid... wait a second. Yep, okay, this is the same douchebag Marcus from The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I don't know which is sadder- that he's now on A Shot at Love or that I recognized him. Unfortunately, I think the answer may be B. At least we now know what he is a spokesmodel for: douchebaggery.

Douchebaggery is more than just a skill. It's a way of life.

Marcus tells Tila that Guido was asking about gay sex, and Professor Ashley overhears and promptly tells Guido. Marcus and the Professor wind up in a screaming match, up in each other's faces, as Tila watches gleefully and the guys start placing bets. Tila finally puts it to a stop and lectures them not to let the testosterone get in the way of trying to get in her pants.

No touchey!

Back to the presents. Rob, a wrestler, gives Tila a shirt that says "I Heart Rob." She likes the shirt but then Bobby, a student, interrupts their alone time. Bobby's present comes in a little blue box that every female in America will immediately recognize as Tiffany's. But what those women won't recognize is the piece of velvet-coated cardboard he's got those Claire's Accessories CZs mounted on. Nice try, ass. Tila likes the gift, and tells us that she might be able to be bought (which would be nothing new to her). Greg, a fitness model who resembles Mr. Clean, got her a kama sutra kit, and he uses it to spread oil all over Tila's back while she lays across his lap, in a familiar position for her. He pulls the strap of her dress down and her boob pops out, blurred shot and everything, while the other guys hoot and cheer. She squeals and tells us that Mr. Clean needs to be more of a gentleman, but c'mon Tila, who hasn't seen your boobs already?

What'd you do, buy the box off Ebay?

Pizza Hut's very own Michael B. has clearly borrowed his dad's pastel suit for this engagement. He gives Tila a pillow with a fucking creepy picture of himself glued on it along with the words "Good morning beautiful." It gets worse. On the other side it says "Goodnight sexy" with another picture glued on and the words "I'm a serial killer." She seems to like him until he mentions sleeping on his momma's couch, and after that she cuts and runs. As she's walking away, he tries to nonchalantly say, "Bye, beautiful" and sip his drink, but he winds up drooling down the front of daddy's suit. Go back to asking if people want thin crust or original pan pizza before you hurt yourself, Michael.

Tila announces that five guys are getting cut immediately. Marcus is worried that his fight with Professor Ashley will hurt his chances of furthering his career on yet another reality TV show. Ashley tells us that there's no way he's going home because his "feet is planted." Oy. I can just picture his students munching on crayons and trying to color with carrots, wondering why the former taste like shit and the latter don't write, can't you?

Elimination time. Instead of calling the guys she's keeping forward, she announces one by one whose shot at love has ended, and they come forward to return their plastic key to her heart. The designated drivers tonight are: Tea bagger Ben, Rami of the ceramic frogs, sexually confused Michael R., Lancey the Clown, and nipple-slip Mr. Clean. I'm a little surprised on Lance since he was cute and funny, but maybe she's as afraid of clowns as I am. Seriously, I could never date a guy I would run screaming from every time he got ready for work. Afterwards, Tila and the guys gather and knock back a shot. Ah, romance.

Now it's time for the ladies. Tila's dressed like a tasseled disco ball and the ladies are arriving at the house by limo. The ladies chatter excitedly about Tila being a lesbian, and while there are definitely some beautiful women in the crowd, there are several that are just toe-up. Overall, the guys are beating the girls in the looks department.

Oh dear god. I could take 50 shots at love and this still wouldn't be attractive.

Once inside the house, the women mingle and I learn some lesbian terminology. Evidently a gold-star lesbian has never had sex with a man. A silver-star lesbian had sex with a man but didn't have a good time and knew she was gay at that moment. I wonder what a bronze-star lesbian would be? A girl who pretends at bars to be gay just to get creepy guys to leave her alone? If so, polish my star, and one for all of my friends.

Amanda, a real estate agent and perhaps part-time Pamela Anderson impersonator, sits down on the couch and flashes her undies, prompting Tila to bend over (won't be the last time) to take a better look and comment that they are wearing the same pair. Pamela Amanda says this proves they're totally on the same page as Tila pokes at Pamela Amanda's inflated boobs like they're toys (which granted, toys and Pamela Amanda's boobs are probably made from the same materials).

Gold star alert! Gorgeous caterer Ashli is a virgin and Tila wastes no time getting cozy and instructing Ashli to never give it up. That virginity is Tila's, goddammit! Tila is much more sexual with the women, and after molesting Amanda and Ashli she moves on to Rebecca, an entrepreneur. But just as she and Rebecca are about to tear each other's clothes off, Keasha, the drunk idiot of the party and surely a terrible interior decorator, stumbles over and joins them, saying "Hey girl heeeeeey!" for about the 30th time. Rebecca tries to nicely tell Keasha to take her horse face and get the fuck away from them, but the mood is already ruined.

Undaunted, Tila approaches Sara, a cosmetologist, and Dani, a man, I mean, firefighter, and immediately begins making out with Sara while Dani watches uncomfortably. Afterwards, Tila gets up and walks away without even a glance for poor Manly Dani, who then lectures Sara about giving it up too quickly. Dani, I think that's going to be a pattern of behavior you better get used to, girl.

Next, Tila mingles with a few girls inside, including Lala, a stylist whose candy-apple red hair isn't advertising her business too well. Lala tells Tila she wants to be friends with a girl first so they can go shopping, hang out and do fun stuff together. That totally makes being a lesbian sound awesome. If only I liked the vajayjay. Tila agrees that lesbians have got the best of both worlds, and then goes back outside to talk more to an unfortunate pierced and tattooed girl, Chaos. Chaos is a dancer for the worst burlesque show ever, and talks Tila's ear off about her previous relationship. Tila bitches to us that while it's good lesbians share their feelings more than most men, she doesn't need this chick's life story in their first meeting. Seizing the moment, Tila bails when Chaos's tongue stud gets caught in her nose ring. Instead she sits down with Ellie (photographer) and Vanessa (dancer). Vanessa tells Tila she likes to be dominated, prompting this reaction from Tila:

T. M. I.

Tila then dives in and kisses Vanessa - on the mouth, thank god - right in front of "what's her face" as Tila calls her. Tila kisses and runs again. She's a little bitch, ain't she. She even calls herself a douchebag.

Tila announces they're going to do a runway show so each girl can show her a little bit about her personality and a lot about her body. Cunnilingus Vanessa is a naughty Catholic school girl, skunk-haired Grace (student) is a nurse, Rebecca is wearing an angel outfit stolen straight from the trash outside the latest Victoria's Secret shoot, Brandi (mortgage consultant) is a cat complete with two-toned fur/hair, friends-first Lala is a maid, chatty Chaos is a military girl (and a butterface, according to Tila), crazy Keasha stumbles out shouting "Hey girl heeeeey!" and is dressed as a construction worker, Gold star Ashli is a girl scout (naturally), Pamela Amanda is an S&M chick, no-amount-of-booze-in-the-world-would-make-her-attractive Steffanie (photographer) is wearing a red satin robe and a fedora (?), ignored Ellie is a handyman, unknown Brenda (administrative assistant) is a taxi cab driver (and if that doesn't scream hot I don't know what does), Manly Dani is a firefighter, Scout (personal assistant) is well... it's anybody's guess:

Pregnant?

Scout actually makes an "Orange you glad..." joke, which... wow. Easy Sara has just randomly glued playing cards to all of her body but her nipples, and unknown Krystal (model/student) has massacred the American flag. Tila tells us that collectively, the girls look like the lesbian Village People.

Time for the girls' elimination ceremony. Tila doesn't waste any time cutting the fat, selecting as our designated drivers: Orange you glad it's Scout, ignored Ellie, butterface Chaos, pine tree freshener-scented Brenda, and "Hey girl heeeeeey!" Keasha. Good choices overall but omg she kept Steffanie?? The remaining girls and Tila do a shot together. Gooooo lesbians!

The next day, Tila hosts a pool party to finally let the guys and girls know that she's actually a bisexual. The guys arrive first, and Guido is wearing an Italian flag speedo. Tila tells him that she didn't realize Italy was such a small country. We then get a close up of the nation in question and I'm officially scarred for life. The girls roll up in a convertible, and Tila arranges the guys on the pool deck. The girls walk out and Manly Dani tells us that she thought the guys were maybe a bunch of lifeguards. Skunky Grace thinks the guys are all staring at her like a piece of meat, and at least wrestler Rob is, for he tells us that it's great that there are now enough girls to go around. Pamela Amanda, who is quickly becoming one of my favorites, wants to know what gross dick is doing there. Vanessa optimistically thinks they may all be gay guys and it's just a gay bash, but the good kind.

Finally Tila drops the bomb, and the episode ends as everyone sits around, stunned.

Guido's getting his jaw muscles loosened for later tonight.

So what do you think? Do you like the guys or the girls better? Which gender will Tila choose? Will the lesbians hook up with each other? And is Guido for real?

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