Recap: American Idol Results: Why, God

Last night I knew something was amiss when the Judges couldn't muster up anything nice to say after LaKisha's version of "Stayin' Alive". I've braced myself all day, and am now almost in a drug induced coma. It's like that movie where Sandy Bullock knows her husband's gonna die in a car crash and she can't do anything about it. I'm tempted to skip tonight altogether, but I dry my tears and press play anyway. This ain't a nursery. THIS. Is American Idol! Simon and Paula have switched seats tonight so they can do impressions of each other. Simon claps like a drunk idiot and Paula rubs above her boobies.

Tink says that Simon actually had more to work with, and he gets the woah, woah, woah from the Judges. Paula says Simon was just chattering on and on about how hot Jessica Alba is. Simon stands behind it. "She is!" Paula shouts out into the crowd "did you hear that Jessica? You're hot!" Oh, Paula, you're hot, too. In your way. She has scooted all the way to the edge of the Judges Table. This is why she sits in the middle. The girl needs boudaries.

Randy is doing an imitation of himself tonight, and it sucks.

Tink reminds us that the Judges don't know the results and asks them what they think is gonna happen. Randy says that he thinks America is confused. Ya think?

Tink asks Paula if having two songs helped the contestants and she says the ones who did well know who they are, but it took her a few sentences to get it out. I like this seating arrangement because we have an entirely new angle on Simon's reaction to Paula.

Tink sarcastically tells Simon he was brilliant last night and Cowell says not to forget the peons at his side. I think Tink got yelled at for being too sassy last night, because he's really doing his best to ruffle Simon. Tink's no one's puppet!Barry Gibb narrates a recap of last night's hits and misses with Rocky music playing in the back round. "There are four great artists left. The heat is on!" Ooooh, I wish he wrote that song.Time for "What Do 'Real' People Think?" at the Farmer's Market. Tink sees Mrs. McClutzky from Desperate Houswives and goads her into doing "Rose's Turn" from "Gypsy".

Then the fairy spots a Blaker Girl and tells her "you've got a Blake thing going on."

In LA, old ladies wear tight tanks and scrunchies on their wrists. It's how we roll.Next up is an infomercial for the AI summer tour. You will only have fifty chances to catch this years contestants LIVE!!! As he shows clips of each kid, I start flicking spoonfuls of Frosty at the ones I don't like. The damn TV is covered before half are shown. When Powder point and winks "Blaze of Glory" in my face, I scream and throw the entire cup at the screen. Damn you! That was ninety-nine cents, Powder!Back from the clip, Tink snarks "Sanjaya live in concert. Lock up your daughters." Man, Sanjy can't catch a break with this fairy.Pink!!!!!!! Wait, is she sick? Why'd they send the chick from Work Out in her place? I'm disappointed, but Jackie holds her own. She wears a tight little number that scooches up her cooch a bit. Slutty? Kinda, but that is the point of working out, right? She sounds great in the verse then drops out in the chorus to let the guide vocals take over. She doesn't even try to look like she's really singing. But damn, when she gets to the grovely rock yelling at the end, she kills it. Go, Jackie!

The Ford Video is "You Really Got Me Going". The four remaining contestants are in prep school clothes and they are hanging out outside a school. The crowd of kids on the steps notices them and starts chasing them down. I don't get if it's because they're on American Idol or they're Prep School Geeks. LaKaisha runs her ass off, and I feel bad for her. It just seems like cruel choreography.

The girls jump in a Ford that looks like a Taxi (who doesn't want to buy a car that looks like a cab?) at the end and leave Blake behind to be devoured by little girls. Please let life imitate art tonight.

Now for the Idol Challenge! Which Idol has the biggest body hair problem?

Carrie looks smooth, ManDiesel's too easy...I'm gonna say Haley Ho, cuz she's nasty. Wish me luck!For the Bee Gees Tribute Medley, Doolittle starts solo but her mic isn't turned on. Then it comes blasting in way too high and makes her sound completely busted for quartet harmonies. SABOTAGE! The song was "Emotions", and I just know Beyonce was at home laughing her ass off while she applied cellulite cream. Every time someone tries to touch her on this show, they fail miserably. LaKisha's solo line is "I don't want to hear your goodbye." I don't want to say it, KiKi!This is one of the worst medley performances this year, but some credit goes to the sound mixers. The harmonies are out of balance and painful to listen to. Blake brought the only entertaining angle. He didn't know his words or moves and kept holding the mic away from his face and muttering "watermelon peas and carrots".

Tink tried to get the Judges to rag on the contestants for singing so many unknown songs when the Bee Gees have a gold mine of hits, but the kids came through tonight and proved that they could hack apart the hits, too. Congrats!Tink says that his night was made watching Bill Maher lip synch to "Islands in the Stream". Oh, Bill. What are you DOIN'?!? As usual, his date looks like she's twelve.

Back from commercial, Tink says that KiKi had been talking to herself all during break. Aw. She knows it's coming and she's losing it. I'm muttering to myself too and rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth. She says that she was giving herself a pep talk. If she was sent home she didn't want to forget the words and she didn't want to cry. He asks why she seemed so nervous last night and she said she had a bunch of drama before the show and was over analyzing and hoping Simon would kiss her again. EW. Tink says to watch her mouth because Simon's puppet is in the audience and we don't want to make Simon mad. Then he grits his teeth and says "Hey! You look beautiful! Congrats on everything!" Wow. The girl's young. She looks like a skinny Spanx. Chris Hansen's missing out on a goldmine!Tink tries to get Blake to badmouth Simon after getting such a terrible critique last night but he refuses to go there. The tux t-shirt is a big enough F-you.

The contestants got to catch a sneak peak of the new Fantastic Four movie and Blake says that in the next film he wants to play Torch. That's the best idea I've heard all day. Who doesn't want to see Blake on fire? Tink goes into the audience to talk to the cast and Chiklis looks giddy to be off FX for a night. There's an empty chair where the invisible woman is supposed to be. You tricksters! There's Jessica Alba! She takes the mic from Tink and starts selling the movie like she's on a Michael Buble infomercial. She talks on and on about nothing and giggles awkwardly. Ugh. The chair had more personality. No wonder Paula felt threatened. America, we've found a new judge!

Tink shows clips of the kids reminiscing about their childhoods. LaKisha, Doolittle and Blake were all raised by single moms, and there has to be a trend there. I blame my parents' happy marriage for my failure in life. Blake talks about getting kicked out of choir (good call) and his awkward phase. When's that over?

LaKisha shows more personality than we've seen and I laughed my ass off at her mom story, even though there were some creepy hints at child abuse.

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Don't f with KiKi's mom.

She eventually starts crying and says that she knows everyone has a story, but seriously, her life has sucked the most. Jordin cries too and says that she can't believe that people are "turning on their TV's to watch ME!" Ew. I can't either. The top three will go home and have a video done about their family and their roots, and even though it's looking pretty doubtful, I hope KiKi moves on tonight because I want to see her mom in action.Results time, and the four are in a huddle that they refuse to break. Aw! Solidarity! Wow, Blake has a huge butt.

Spanx is allowed to have a seat but before the rest of the results, we get AI's newest plan to rule the world! The producers are launching a new show that's like American Idol but for bands. Now you can sell out in groups. Hoorah! Please let Constantine back. It's been a long time but I still want to see that "band" he was always using for rock cred. Pleeeaaaase.Barry Gibb comes out. Woah, who locked Gibblet in the spray tan booth? He looks like he's hosting karaoke night at the Indian Reservation. He sings "To Love Somebody", which is pretty odd because last night he said that Spanx did the best version of that song that he had ever heard. After five seconds of his take, I agree. Someone's been listening to too much Sad Kermit.

My dog started whining and running around in circles as he sang so I had to hit FF. Sorry for shirking, but there's only so much one man can take. With a shaky hand, it's over and I can breathe again. My dog is shivering in the corner. Thanks a lot, Gibblet.

Melinda is safe, which leaves Blake and LaKisha. Simon is the only judge to take a guess at who's out, and he guesses LaKisha. As usual, he's right, and even though you all told me it was coming, I squirt a couple out. Especially during her montage when she tearfully tells the cameras "I got a three year old daughter wanting me to make it, so I wanna make it for her!" WAAAAAHHHHHHH. No fair! Blake should be sent home for the tux shirt alone. WHY GOD?!? I call Domino's and Mary Jane, but neither are able to console me. I'll miss you, LaKisha. If there is no recap next week, you know why. Drip.

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