Tonight on The Bachelorette, the producers continue to conduct high-level exposure therapy on Ali's fear of flying. The Barenaked Ladies show up, as if to say 'Hey world, we're still here, and we'll stop at nothing to prove our cultural irrelevance!' And the MPAA has once again weighed in: Rated R is now Rated 'Really Knows His Way Around a Pair of Crutches and up a Hill'.
The incomparable Chris Harrison once again interrupts mimosa hour to deliver the first date card of the week. Every man in that house is wearing the same softly-worn-in t-shirt/pajama bottom combo, with the exception of The Weatherman, who is rocking some bare torso. Thanks for the early-morning heebeejeebees, The Weatherman! Since as usual, there will only be two individual dates and one group date this week, Chris Harrison solemnly reminds the guys to steal as much alone time with Ali as possible. Close up on Rated R smiling evilly, knowingly.
I like Ty, and this sentiment is based almost entirely on his reading-date-cards style: quick and dirty, no fanfare. Without the hint of suspense, he snatches up the card, glances at it and declares "Roberto!" to be the lucky man. Roberto looks psyched, and I detect the beginnings of a serious bromance between him and my darling Cape Cod Chris:
They are always sitting next to each other in these group shots-- probably because they, like I, have come to the early conclusion that they are the awesomest dudes present. Ali will have to sober up a little before I determine whether or not she deserves the magic that is these two.
But back to the pun. "Love is a balancing act. Ali." Roberto is super pumped. John C. is sad because he hasn't gotten any one-on-one time with Ali yet. "At this point, I don't even know if she remembers my name." I can answer him that right now: Ali absolutely does NOT remember his name. I barely can and I have the benefit of those helpful name/occupation/hometown captions. The only impression John C. has made on me is that he is absolutely a gay man. He's still here, so I have to assume he's Ali's secret gay informant.
Ali arrives to pick up Roberto, musing to us that she hasn't seen much of him since giving him the First Impression Rose on night one. What if she's built him up in her head and he isn't so wonderful after all? To which I say, PSHAW. Ali's wearing her very best Flashdance sweater and Roberto's clad in plaid and sartorially speaking, this date is going phenomenally so far. Then the helicopter shows up. I know this show takes pride in its ever-more-exotic modes of transportation, but the girl is an actual phobic, and lord knows no mental health professionals participate in the making of this madness. This fact has not escaped Ty, who wishes he were in the helicopter of death with her: "I know Ali's afraid of flying, and she's going to be holding on to someone... and I don't figure it's gonna be the pilot." Wouldn't that be an interesting turn of events?
But Ty is right, after all, and Roberto is quite the calming, squeezing, comforting presence-- a significant improvement from Jesse's limp hand-patting last week.
Back at the mansion, the boys are chilling, grilling, and generally lamenting that they aren't onboard a helicopter right now. Far as I can tell, they're having an all-day pool party, so I hope I don't have to call the wambulance on anybody. Steve gripes to Jesse while Rated R seeks comfort in the arms of The Weatherman. Who knew these two were friends?
The helicopter touches down on a roof in downtown L.A. and Ali releases Roberto's hand from her vise-like grip. She lets him know that they'll be having a nice, romantic dinner together-- over there. She points to a neighboring highrise. "And there's only one way to get there." She points to a series of wires that they will presumably be walking across. I would like to point out that there is NOT only one way to get there and that they could, in fact, go down the elevator, cross the street, go up another elevator and arrive at dinner. Or maybe the waiting helicopter could fly them there. Ali is giddy with anticipation. "Experiencing this with Roberto is really important to me, because life is challenging." I agree. Life is challenging enough without throwing in a death-defying tightrope act... so maybe we could use this time to get to know each other a little better instead? Hmm?
No. So here they go. As they take the first step out onto the wire, Ali serves up her pre-planned pun: "Are you ready to fall for me?" Roberto affirms that he is, but THIS IS NOT THE POINT, PEOPLE! WE WANT TO NOT FALL! Minor nerves aside, they both seem relatively unruffled by their voyage. Clearly neither of them has seen "Cliffhanger." Roberto is so calm, in fact, that halfway to the next building he pulls Ali in for a kiss.
THAT IS NOT SAFE, Y'ALL.
If Roberto ends up winning this whole damn thing, we will know for a fact that dangling from high places leads to unstoppable rush of endorphins leads to unstoppable rush to the altar. (See: Vienna, Jake, bungee jumping).
As the sun sets, Roberto has some measured yet still romantic words for Ali: "Well, I can say this to you. I hope to be watching a lot more of these with you." Since, at this, Ali shoots him the most devoted expression I think I've ever seen on a non-canine face:
I'm going to be bold and say that Roberto's going to be seeing all the sunsets he damn well pleases.
People are starting to get twitchy back at the House of Bromeos, so of course it's date card time. John C. does a little curtsy (why do you make this so easy for me, John C.?) as he reads off his own name, followed by Kirk, Rated R., Cape Cod Chris, Frank, The Weatherman, Jesse, and Chris N. The pun? "Come rock my..."
Wait. Let's rewind for a second, because I don't believe we've ever discussed the magical mystery that is Chris N. Correct me if I'm wrong-- and I totally could be wrong because I undergo several semi-voluntary blackouts in the course of each episode-- but this man has not spoken a word all season. I understand time constraints, and huge chunks of personality left on the editing room floor, but... I don't know what Chris N.'s voice sounds like. Haven't a clue. If I were to hazard a guess, he'd land somewhere between a blissed-out Keanu and an agitated Jason Bateman. You know what I would like, though? TO NOT HAVE TO HAZARD A GUESS. Speak, man! I doubt the elusive Chris N. will make it past the next rose ceremony (merely because talking seems like a prerequisite to televised romance) but just in case:
Keep your eyes peeled for rare sightings. I want to collect as much data on this stealth bomber as possible.
Now where were we? Ah yes, punning. My favorite time of day. "Come rock my world. Ali." I'm spoiled by previews, and you're spoiled by my first three sentences, but I still close my eyes and hope and hope that this date somehow involves one of those rock polishing kits that everyone seemed so into in the third grade. Can I tell you how much I would rather recap that than the Barenaked Ladies' tragic comebackapalooza? Please please please let me let me let me let me get what I want this time. LORD KNOWS it would be the first time.
Muppet Kasey thinks that their date has something to do with music, which sucks because he would love to go and show Ali his voice. And "sing her a song from my heart." Naturally. ... Muppet Kasey sings? Suddenly I am so grateful he is not included on this group date. There is not enough vodka in the world for THAT drinking game.
While all the boys get geared up for tomorrow, on a rooftop somewhere Ali is not giving any of them a second thought. Roberto had this date-- and the rose-- in the bag hours ago, but he's still scoring bonus points. Spanish was his first language, and then English, but he picked up a couple of others in his travels to Italy and France. Ali cannot be contained by her own skin. "Wow! You have been EVERYWHERE!" Well, he's been to France, and to Italy. And to here. Ali is just floored by his good-lookingness... which she cannot seem to stop mentioning. She's starting to wonder whether SHE'S pretty enough for HIM-- "which is not a feeling I have very often!" Certainly it's not a feeling she has had very often in the last couple of weeks, during which she's been the only female fish in a very small dude pond. I guess self-confidence is nice, but I think I preferred her when she was drunk and insecure. Is that so wrong of me?
Ali doesn't like "being all stiff and at a table," though, so it's a good thing there's a pile of pillows strategically laid out for a cuddle. As they spoon, Ali tries out some of the limited Spanish she picked up from rap videos in her youth: "Dame un beso." Roberto does, in fact, habla him some espanol, so he dutifully lays one on her.
And oh yeah, he gets the rose. I'm surprised Chris Harrison didn't pop out from behind a pillar to announce the "least dramatic Bachelorette twist EVARRRRR!" Then again, he's probably home in his robe, eating cheetos and counting his blood money.
The next morning, the fellas are getting ready for their group date and Frank is bitchin', and not in that way that's like "Oh I love Frank, he's so bitchin'!" Does anyone say that anymore? He feels like Ali is his girlfriend, and he doesn't want any of these other creepers hanging around. Well guess what, Frank? (1) You signed up for this. (2) That makes you a creeper too. (3) Shut up.
They all pile into a Hummer limo (ahhh, conspicuous consumption, my old friend), which drives them to deserted highway underpass which Cape Cod Chris identifies correctly as "a place where gang wars would probably happen." An abandoned warehouse stands sketchily, ominously nearby.
Are the Barenaked Ladies so embarrassed that this is taking place that they are hiding all evidence away from civilization? They do know this is nationally televised, right?
AhHA. Chris N., first out of the Hummer, says some words (something about how great Ali looks, which-- FALSE, because she still has those redonkulous extensions) but the real treasure trove of information here is the outfit he chose.
Those sunglasses. That shirt. The eerie silence. Important pieces to this anthropological puzzle, no doubt, but how do they fit together? Chris N.: still but a shadowy figure. I will remain alert.
I love this shot:
They are totally meeting the Sharks for a surprise rumble but I think they're in trouble because surely nobody brought their brass knuckles from home. The Weatherman has undoubtedly already wet himself. Boy, boy, crazy boy. Be cool, boy. (Gay) John C. hears some telltale bass chords and gets all excited... but I think he means drums. Because that's what that was. We turn a corner and oh em gee, it's the-- and I will give you The Weatherman's emphasis on this one-- "Bare. Naked. Ladies."
It's been one week and about five years since I've heard this song, so it actually gives me kind of a nice rush of nostalgia for those long-gone middle school years. Ali and the guys awkwardly dance while the Barenaked Ladies awkwardly jam in the dirt. Kirk is way, way into this date. Apparently the Barenaked Ladies are HIS FAVORITE BAND OF ALL TIME. That's a pretty important thing to know. If ever this kind of thing ended in a tie-break, that could be the tipping point. "They are both practically perfect in every way. I cannot POSSIBLY choose between them. Except... except didn't Kirk say that his favorite band is Barenaked Ladies? That's a little off, right? Yeah, let's just go with the other guy." And now that I've become obsessed with Chris N., suddenly he's everywhere. Like Waldo. Or like Bizarro Waldo, I guess, because real Waldo only shows up once.
Just clapping away, like he's a real person or something.
As the band wraps it up, Ali plays announcer. (This used to be Chris Harrison's job, right? Where are you, my little scone? I miss you.) "If you haven't guessed it already, these are THE BARENAKED LADIES!!!" Behind her, the Barenaked Ladies are like "please don't announce our secret shame to the whole world."
Today Ali and her tribe of minions will be shooting a music video (hopefully not THE music video) for a song called "You Runaway," off the Barenaked Ladies' new album. The lead singer helpfully points out that it is about trying to make someone choose you, but for some reason she keeps turning away. How parallel is that, yo. They begin to play, but it's a totally uninteresting song so instead I offer you Jesse's hair:
I know I said he should quit it with the hair gel, but maybe I just meant lighten up on the hair gel or get a buzz cut.
Frank thinks this song is so relevant, man. So relevant.
So does Philly Craig. I get the metaphor or simile or whatever, so all I really choose to take from this-- besides Jesse's hair conundrum-- is that Ali is a really terrible dancer.
Bodyguard/production assistant/thug/I'm-not-sure-what-his-job-title-is Pauly herds everyone inside and hands out scripts. Since kissing is apparently present in some but not all scenes, the guys pass around their scripts eagerly. The Weatherman has a kissing scene. He looks green and admits to being anxious. "First kiss," he shrugs, by way of explanation. I pray that he doesn't mean first kiss EVER... but I'm not going to deny that that is fully within the range of possibility. Philly Craig tries his Philly best to be helpful: "Just imagine that you're doing a forecast. But that in the middle of the forecast, you have to make out with a girl." The Weatherman just puts his head in his hands. I'm starting to lean heavily towards "first kiss EVER."
Let's just run through these scenes quickly, before I choke on my own incredulity.
(1) Frank and Ali sunbathe, he oils her up, she slaps him. I'm not sure why, but the peanut gallery of suitors sure enjoy the repeated takes.
(2) (Gay) John C. tries to join Ali in the bathtub, but she leaves in disgust. "Out of all the scenes, mine was the only one that didn't involve contact with Ali." Do I sense relief? Either way, I find this image strangely poignant:
(3) The Weatherman. Oh, The Weatherman. He looks like he just swallowed a dozen post-prime raw eggs. He pulls Ali aside to let her know that, "As much as I want to kiss you and everything, if you feel at all uncomfortable we don't have to do it and I totally don't mind and just let me know." Ali, seeing right through the thin veneer of faux chivalry to the pure terror in his eyes, stares at him with pity and reassures him that "it'll be fine." The Weatherman gulps. On the first three takes he misses her lips and gets her neck. The guys guffaw from the sidelines. Then The Weatherman cries. Really.
Finally Ali just grabs him and kisses him, which needless to say is not how the stage directions read. The Weatherman describes this as "like a rocketship." "Woah," he says, "this must be real." Even though... even though that was completely fake?
Cape Cod Chris lives in my brain. I don't mind. "Today was a big day for The Weatherman. First kiss with Ali. First kiss in a music video. First kiss... ever."
(4) Rated R hobbles around in a kitchen and kisses Ali on the cheek.
(5) Jesse sunbathes with Ali, but doesn't get slapped.
(6) Chris N. sighting! He climbs into bed with Ali.
ALL OF HIS SCREENCAPS COME OUT BLURRY. He's like the Blair Witch.
Frank bitches some more.
(7) Cape Cod Chris is super sexy in just a towel as Ali kisses him on the back.
Frank takes a break from bitching to muse to himself that his chemistry with Ali is real, but Cape Cod Chris's is "just acting." Heh. Heh heh.Writing yourself quite the little screenplay there, eh Frank?
(8) Kirk climbs into bed and on top of a nearly-naked Ali. Frank sure isn't going to like this one. They kiss, and kiss, and kiss, until the entire viewing party gets uncomfortable and leaves. Then they kiss, and kiss, and kiss until the director yells "cut!" And then they keep kissing. The edit makes it seem like Frank is there watching this entire thing, but I refuse to believe he is that much of a creeper. Still, he saw enough to be perturbed: "For the first time, I feel like something is not right." You think something is not right, Frank? But you can't quite put your finger on it?
I'll let you sit there and think on that one.
Ali takes the guys to a "wrap party" in a penthouse suite. I hate this show's overuse of the phrase "wrap party." NO ONE ELSE IS THERE BUT YOU GUYS. Jesse's hair update: still bad.
They cheers to their music video success with cans of Coors Light. Really, ABC? I like cold-activated cans as much as anyone else, but why rent the penthouse for a party that should rightly take place in a backyard with patchy grass?
Ali grabs Cape Cod Chris away for some alone time and I think, please tell her about the dead mother. This is episode three. It's go time. Any longer and she'll think you have trouble "opening up." Which, you know, god forbid-- now that's she's down to her top eleven boyfriends. And he does! Ali inquires about the tattoo of his mom's signature on his ribcage (completely beautiful, by the way) and he comes clean, although haltingly. Love this guy. He has emotions and boundaries. What a tantalizing combination. If I knew him in real life I would try to set him up with all of my most lovely friends.
The Weatherman cuts in, which I would resent if I didn't know for sure that the results are going to be hilarious. My forecast is 100% awkward, with a slight chance of me wanting to die. Once he gets Ali alone, he leans in and I close my eyes in brutal anticipation. The Weatherman does not disappoint. "Do you want to maybe, like, go somewhere and have a first kiss for real?" Before Ali can formulate an answer, Philly Craig busts in. Am I grateful? Am I furious? My heart wants so many different things in this moment.
Are the guys left back at the mansion literally allowed to do nothing except sit around and wait for a date card? Steve is hoping it's for him; I'm hoping not. I don't know. I find his voice kind of irritating, but not irritating enough to give him a nickname... like Muppet Kasey. So basically it does nothing to amuse me. I'm in luck, because this one's for Hunner. "There's no place like home. Ali."
Kirk is having a banner day. Suddenly Ali's down to her bikini and she and Kirk slip into the hot tub, in full view of the other fellas. And then make out for what feels like forever, given the awkward setting. Why do you two like tonguing each other in front of her other boyfriends so much? It's weird. Frank is in a full-on meltdown. He watches, rocking back and forth.
You know what usually comes out at this point in a person's mental decline? A straitjacket.
His solution is to lead the other guys in a group cannonball to disrupt the moment. But you know what? Kirk still gets the rose. "There's something that draws me to Kirk," Ali explains. I think it might be the vacuum seal between your lips. Kirk is ecstatic. "Ali likes me! She likes me for me!" Not because you hang with Leonardo?
Before they're done for the night, though, Ali has one more surprise to spring on the guys: the first cut of their heinous music video, projected above the pool. Awesome.
Yes, it's terrible. Yes, I would watch it again and again.
The next morning, a few of the guys loaf around and lament the fact that Ali lives just up the street yet they cannot go see her. Rated R's face says: "There are those who look at things that are and ask 'Why?'... I dream of things that never were, and ask 'Why not?'" Ty and some other guy excuse themselves to make breakfast while Rated R hatches a plot.
He invokes the almighty Chris Harrison: "He said we needed to be selfish in getting time with Ali." Well, if Chris Harrison said it, then by all means. And I truly mean that. So off Rated R sets, hobbling the several uphill miles to Ali's house to steal some private time. It's supposed to be some big secret power play, but um... the man's on crutches. He makes like three times the noise a non-crippled person does. No one heard or saw him leave? Even with a CAMERA CREW following him?
I am all for this particular move, just because it is hilarious to see Rated R limping into the background as Ali tapes a confessional segment. Her surprise seems genuine and for once it's nice to see something halfway unplanned happen on this show.
Berp de-derp. Here I aaaammm!
Was it really necessary to bring all your family photos on your epic journey, Rated R? Ali is completely eating up his broken home autobiography, but since I can't stand Rated R I'm really just paying attention to the fact that his shirt is inside out. What's up with that, Rated R?
At home, Hunner tells Muppet Kasey that he has a really good feeling he's getting a rose tonight. I have no thoughts one way or another. What's Hunner's deal again? He's the ukulele guy, yes? Hmm. Yeah, I still have no thoughts.
Mission accomplished: Rated R has both won Ali's far-too-attainable heart and eaten into Hunner's date time. Ali drops him back at the mansion in her convertible. I say unfair: he should have been forced to go back the way he came. Much like Odysseus.
Safely ensconced back in the Den of Inactivity, Rated R drops hints like mad that he is a bad, bad, crutch-hobbled rule breaker, but no one picks up on it. He spends a lot of time taunting Hunner, who is about to head off on his one-on-one at Ali's place, with gems like "Oh man, I would do anything to spend time with her in her house" and "It just sucks that your date is starting so late, man."
Meanwhile, Philly Craig kind of stumbles around in the background with a bottle of Andre, cementing my love for him.
Ali drives Hunner up to her house for a sexy night of grilling things, but seems to be setting him up for failure already: "Tonight is a make-it-or-break-it night for Hunter. And I have to say, the fact that Justin walked all the way up here today steals some of his thunder." How is that Hunner's fault? Poor Hunner.
They grill (well, Hunner grills while Ali pokes at a vegetable tray) and talk divorced parents and career devotion. Hunner describes himself as "a slow-paced guy" and I guess that's when the bad feeling starts to percolate in my stomach. "Slow-paced guys" don't do well on this show, Hunner! Unless by "slow-paced" you mean it usually takes you about five weeks before you declare your love, as opposed to three. It's a little iffy, but still a timetable we can work with.
Rated R might as well be stroking a hairless albino cat behind a large oak desk. He keeps saying the most evil, cryptic things.
Hunner and Ali are an awkward couple. Maybe he feels strange in front of the cameras and strangers, sitting in a pool with a girl he met two weeks ago. That seems fair. But magic is not afoot in the water. Ali can't think of anything to talk about except the infinity edge, Hunner agrees: "Yeah it's real pretty, baby." Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence.
"So, in your ideal situation, would you want to go back to San Fran?" Hunner breaks the horrible, ever-thickening ice, but not in the right way. Cue the "you're totally about to go home" music. Hunner's voiceover knows he's botching this, but thinks there's still time. I say it is game over the moment Ali gets out of the pool with the suggestion that they make s'mores.
Back at the house, the fellas hot tub it and listen skeptically as Rated R swears that he would give up everything for Ali if they fell in love. Muppet Kasey calls bullshit, and manages to fit in one "I will protect and guard her heart!" while he's at it. Is this a joke? Did his friends back home dare him to do this? Is this like a Super Troopers "meow" kind of situation? Because otherwise I can not reconcile his behavior with my reality as a human being. Rated R, tired of all the crap he gets just because he's an entertainment wrestler and kind of a douchebag, breaks down in tears as he explains that his father was never there for him. I don't really follow, but it makes the other guys feel awkward enough that even Muppet Kasey backs off. "I would LITERALLY climb mountains for that girl!" Rated R semi-tearily declares. Well, what you literally did was climb a hill. Let's leave the word "literally" out of situations where it doesn't belong.
It's do-or-die time for poor Hunner. He's going to build Ali a fire for their s'more picnic! "You can make a fire?" Ali's impressed. So am I. Hunner's like, "Hell yeah I can"... then pulls out an electric lighter and sets fire to some wood in a Weber grill. He didn't even use matches. An Eagle scout this guy is not. Plus the way he says "You look pretttttttty, darlin'" makes me feel like we're at the halfway point of some hitchhiker-themed slasher film.
Things are not looking awesome for Hunner. He talks about his walls and how they're coming down, and then going back up, but how he wants them down and blah blah blah. Ali tugs nervously at her braid, because she knows what must be done. She explains to Hunner that she just doesn't feel that they have a romantic connection. Hunner asks if there's anything he can do to change that. Ali looks like she's just been asked to shoot a rabid-but-once-totally-lovable dog. She manages to pull the trigger, and Hunner limps off into his unceremonious yellow taxi with a defeated "Later, darlin'." R.I.P. Hunner.
Seriously, they need to get these guys some video games or something, because all they do is sit around and talk about each other and the one girl they're all dating. Steve crunches on an apple as they speculate about Hunner's fate. Chris N. sighting! He adds nothing of substance to the conversation! At this point, I grant that I have heard his voice. But I have yet to hear him use an adjective, or any other form of advanced sentence structure. Naturally I am going to post a picture anyway.
The boogey man comes to collect Hunner's bags and the guys react with a mixture of shock and glee. Rated R, for one, is delighted that he "called it." Hunner, meanwhile, is kicking himself en route to the Motel 6 or wherever. "I choked. There's nothing else to say. I just choked." Yeah you did, buddy. :-(
Is it time for the cocktail party already? Thank the ford. Philly Craig and Rated R chit chat, and Rated R cannot help but be a douchelord. I hate that word but it's the only thing I can come up with. I thank my brothers for these unwanted aspects of my vocabulary. Philly Craig asks how Rated R feels about his time with Ali, to which Rated R responds: "Which time with Ali do you mean? OHHH, you mean the GROUP DATE? Yeah, that was great. I will say this, the alone time I've spent with Ali this week has been great." Oh good god, Rated R. Tell them, don't tell them, I don't care. But stop tickling their noses with it like a seventh grade girl with a juicy piece of prepubescent gossip.
After a group toast to Poor Hunner, Ali pulls Cape Cod Chris aside in an attempt to have a lighthearted conversation, since the last time they talked it was all about Dead Mom. They bond over mutual love of oysters, lobster, and flip cup. Apparently Cape Cod Chris placed second in a Vegas flip cup tournament. That's the kind of detail that would be insufferable on a Rated R or a The Weatherman, but on Cape Cod Chris it's merely an endearing embellishment.
Nearby, Kirk and Frank lurk and watch the interaction. Frank could not be more neurotic about this entire thing. "What... what do you think they're doing over there?" At this point Kirk has the good sense to realize that they are watching a private cuddle, and to call himself out: "What are we doing? Why don't we get inside our own heads a little more?" A rare acknowledgment of the mind-fuckery that is this show? You go, Kirk.
Rated R decides to run a little interference for himself by mentioning to Ali that he's been given a "hard time" in the house about the nature of his intentions. He takes her hands, looks deeply into her eyes, and swear that he is here for her-- and only for her. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker. I have to believe that the guileless Canadian accent lends a big hand here. Ali's voiceover equates Rated R with Vienna, and notes that being an outcast doesn't make someone a bad person. Oh hay Ali? YOU HATED VIENNA. I DON'T CARE WHAT ABC IS MAKING YOU SAY NOW.
Steve, who is almost as big a question mark as the famed Chris N. at this point, seems to have suddenly realized that he should, like, talk to Ali or something. He sets up a picnic blanket on the ground, complete with candles and champagne, which is a nice effort but perhaps too little too late. Also, he has trouble opening the champagne and I have trouble not associating that with impotence. (He daintily applied some chapstick before Ali showed up, but I'm thinking he's not going to need it.)
Meanwhile, Ty is busy conducting a witch hunt. He doesn't trust that Rated R. He doesn't trust that Rated R one bit. Why? Because "he's got two faces. He's like Mr. Jekyll..." uhoh. Whatchu gonna do now that you got your prefixes all mixed up, Ty? "... and Hyde."
The guys gather around, talking smack about the two-facedness, when Rated R just happens to saunter up behind them. So who you guys talkin' abooot? Ty's not beating around the bush. "You." John C. pops his head out of the crowd to meekly interject: "I just want to say one thing..." But everyone else just steamrolls right ahead with the conversation, and John C. shrinks back into the group. Has anyone seen a contestant on this show-- or Ali, for that matter-- actually interact with John C.? I think we might have to start examining the possibility that this is like The Sixth Sense and he's Bruce Willis. But gayer and shorter and more congenial.
Rated R is starting to get really angry, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry. "I don't usually swear, but this is getting [bleep]ing ridiculous. If anyone has anything to say to me, vocalize it now." Ty's all over this one, naturally. He feels Rated R acts "different" when he's with Ali as opposed to with the guys. I will say I've noticed the Canadian accent ebbs and flows depending on the company he keeps, and generally speaking I just don't like Rated R. Did I mention that he's an entertainment wrestler? And that he has named himself Rated R? But to Ty I say: what's the big effing deal? You're acting like you saw Rated R doing a pagan dance with Tituba in the forest.
Elsewhere, Frank continues to wig out. "If tensions like this are building already, if we're all already this stressed out, imagine what else is ahead of us and how we're going to feel when Ali's sharing even more with these other guys!" Kirk looks like he wishes Frank would dial down the anxious rhetoric a little. Agreed. Chill, Frankfurter. No one gives a rose to the guy with the sudden-onset facial tics.
During a quick cuddle with Roberto (who doesn't love those?), Ali lets slip the fact that Rated R came a-calling the day before. Her face goes "oops!" as she realizes that this is news to her snuggle bunny. Unfortunately I have to dock five points from the usually stellar Roberto for proceeding to blab said news to the rest of the guys, who immediately set out to confront the villain. Ugh. This plotline is so tired already. Ty (who else?) forces Rated R to admit his transgression. Chris N. looks stricken!
Jesse is wearing a Canadian tuxedo.
The verdict is in on Rated R. Muppet Kasey dubs him "creepy." Youch-- when you consider the source. Philly Craig, a self-proclaimed "bullshit detector," determines that he is full of bullshit. Rated R. tries to collect himself, but has to pause to wipe away a tear. GUYS. Please stop crying. You are really making me super uncomfortable.
Right about now is the time that the guys figure out that Rated R.'s alone time probably ate into Poor Hunner's date time. "Now that is just unfair," steams Ty-- as if had Hunner been granted that extra half hour, he would have been magically less awkward and suddenly attractive to Ali. But there's no place for reason when you're a pack of hormonal middle-school-aged girls. Oh wait, you're GROWN-ASS MEN? I had forgotten.
And where IS Rated R.? The guys look around. Probably back up at Ali's house, waiting for her to come home, Ty chortles. Nope.
That there is Rated R., crying silent, silhouettey tears in the backyard.
Philly Craig is pretty sure that tonight, Rated R. will stand for "Retired." You know what makes me mad? These guys literally have all. day. long. to sit around thinking up Rated R puns, and that is what they come up with.
Ah Chris Harrison. Thank god. He dings on his champagne glass, "sorry to break up this party," but I am swimming in gratitude. Let's hand out these roses and go home.
Ho-ing: Roberto (already rose'd), Kirk (already rose'd), Cape Cod Chris, Jesse ("I just couldn't resist you in this jean getup!"), Chris N. (and we must pause here for a screencap),
Ty, Muppet Kasey, Philly Craig, Frank, The Weatherman, and Rated R.
Fro-ing: Poor Hunner (already peaced), Steve, (Gay) John C.
Steve "came out here to have a lifelong, lasting relationship with Ali." That seems silly, so I don't pity him. John C. is "pissed to be sent home tonight." Strong words from John C. Also the least gay he's seemed all season, so now I'm confused.
Cape Cod Chris
NO REALLY, WHO THE EFF ARE YOU
I don't effing know.
Next week on The Bachelorette, we're taking this shitshow on the road.
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